I had an amazing Christmas where I was alone all day. Suddenly a sense of freedom came. Ive been angry my whole life, about something. Ive usually imagined I was in the right about it: angry about my school, my teachers, my friends, my parents for being angry so much, my government, my church, my girlfriend... Angry with the cynical 70s then the greedy 80s. Angry. So Ive struggled to free myself from that perhaps heredity based belief or habit: it is my nature I guess, Im a fighter. But I know theres a better world, have always known it. Ive seen glimpses from other people and nature. Ive never been angry with the character of Saul who becomes Paul in the Bible for example. He killed Christians. Then became one. Hard to be angry at perfect drama. Or Moses. Never was angry with Shakespeare or Mrs. Eddy, Jesus, Mozart, Matisse, Rimbaud or Stevens or the Beatles. And on Christmas Day that same calm natural inspiration those geniuses always offered me was now, just more part of me. Some might call it a state of grace. It lasted a long time. I can still find it a bit even now, just a happier sense of being. A sense of yielding to Love. Real. No flourishes. No trumpets. I glimpsed a solution for mankind. Love. Love till infinity is a memory. I want this. Im going to fight for this. Id like to imagine I always have. But I havent. Ive wasted years with pettiness and small ideas and big judgments. Im finished with that forever. Im going to fight for Love to rule my day. Let the rest have itself. Im a fighter. And Love rules. Then night fell and I took my kids to the Clippers and lost my tickets!!! The kids who picked them up off the sidewalk were in our seats when we got there but we didnt kick em out for stealing. It was Christmas. Angry-less Christmas. Me and my children and my daughters boyfriend laughed and laughed. And then we won.
Posted on: Sat, 27 Dec 2014 17:05:27 +0000
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