I had my Sun at an early age. I was in my second year of college, just starting to shape my hopes and dreams. My spirit was at a place where it was able to explore the depths of her heart, not tied down to anyone or anything. I was pursuing my passions, my interests. I was able to get up and go where ever I wanted, do whatever I wanted, come and go as I pleased. I wrote, danced, drew, painted, sang, and performed. I could experiment with different choices as they only affected me. I had the leisure of being able to serve others in need whenever I could, wherever I wanted. For the first time in my life I felt a sense of freedom. I was the girl no one man could tie down, even though many tried. My sense of confidence and freedom attracted many predatory men. All attempting to conquer what couldn’t be conquered. The young woman who everyone loved and enjoyed her light and laugh, but would leave you because she didn’t want to be committed to anyone other than herself. It was a beautiful time. This time of soulful liberation ended as soon I became pregnant with my Sun. All of a sudden at age 20 I had to grow up and become responsible. I had to get a “real job” and begin to support the child God had gifted to me. For the longest time I struggled with not being able to march the beat of my own drummer. While my feelings were scattered, my commitment to taking care of my child never wavered. There were times however where I longed to be free of my responsibilities. I had grown apart from all my friends, none of them had children. I had grown apart from my social circles as they were but a bunch of wandering souls, kindred souls, but still free souls who didn’t have kids. There were times that I can honestly admit I was resentful. This was pointed out to me during getting fired one time from a job. That perhaps I hadn’t yet dealt with my own trauma and the consequences of my choices and this was affecting my ability to work in such a potent emotional environment. At the time, I told that supervisor to go to hell and how dare she question me and my love for my child. Yet years later, healing moons later, she was right. Yet my mother’s instinct and experience of coming from a broken home, I wanted to make sure that my son had stability and happiness. I wanted to ensure my son never wanted or longed for anything that I was supposed to provide for him. I knew nothing about being a parent, there are times I still wonder if I do. Yet the one thing I know for sure is that his love has liberated me more than anything ever has. If I had not experienced the levels of pain, depression, heartbreak and sorrow I did with becoming a single parent so young, and still. I would have never found out who I really was. I would have never pushed myself to be something more than I ever thought I was, just a wandering soul. I never thought for a minute I could even accomplish the dreams I had because I could never root myself enough in one place. I thought that I needed to be completely free from any type of responsibility and being committed to something or someone meant suffocating my spirit. When in reality the love that came with the relationship I had with my child saved me. It saved me from myself and my inability to commit to something more than my selfishness. It saved me from going down a path of potential self-destruction of mind, of body, of heart and of spirit. All the while, while I thought I was “getting free” I was setting myself up for destruction. You see I hadn’t loved myself enough to believe that I was worth accomplishing any of those big goals and dreams I had. I hadn’t believed I was capable nor deserving. I kept myself free of receiving real love because it felt too burdensome, it was too much of a responsibility. It cramped my style. Yet because I did this, I never experienced what unconditional love really meant. So God in all is graciousness decided that I needed to experience it in another way. He gave me a new name: mom. As the Sun grows and I find myself with more time on my hands, I find myself not really knowing what to do. I can go here, go there, do this, do that, go with this person, but in all reality I would rather be home reading a book, journaling, keeping house, and enjoying the reality that I have created a safe home full of love for my child. It’s a strange thing this experience called humanity, even stranger is the stage of my evolution as a woman. But nothing is more beautiful than finally knowing, that finally believing, that love has set me free.
Posted on: Wed, 09 Apr 2014 21:14:21 +0000