I have been dreading this coming week for nearly a year. It hasnt gotten much easier, although I think Ive gotten a better handle on my emotions. Its been almost exactly a year since I lost one of my oldest and dearest friends; suddenly, tragically, unexpectedly. Even now, as I recall the first phone call I received with the news, the tears flow, the heart breaks, the head shakes in disbelief. A year of missed birthdays, holidays, reunions. A year of no texts or phone calls. A year of change. Coming up on my second birthday that I wont get a call with her singing Happy Birthday on the other end. Losing her changed my life. I think I am kinder now, more patient, although heaven knows I still have my moments, and often. I take disagreements more personally, the nerves are still raw. I never used to dread my phone ringing. I do now. Im a little more anxious than I used to be. A little more empty. A little more lonely. Ive lived as an enigma, both distancing myself from others to avoid the eventual pain, yet yearning to be closer to some of my friends, and enjoy the sweetness of friendship while I can. Scarred from the burn yet needing the warmth. I miss her. I havent been able to delete her number from my phone yet. I dont know that I ever will. Memories come nearly every day; some make me laugh out loud, some make me angry, some rip at my soul. Maybe its silly but...when unusual things happen around the house, I scold her. Its never anything bad...just a pain in the butt and mischievous. Much like Kimberly. Over time, Ive become a little more patient with my children. Ive had time to rethink my relationships with friends, family, myself. I think I am still a little lost. I both know myself a little more, and yet dont know myself at all. In the end I have learned to love deeply, forgive quickly, breathe. I need to move closer to the ones I care about but keep away from. And I need to love myself. I couldnt save her, but I tried. And she knew I loved her. Id like to think she still knows. To both honor Kim, as well as myself, I have a personal project I am tinkering with. I hope that if I extend the Invitation, you guys will take me up on it. I dont want to take life, or you, my loves, for granted. Inspired by her, and someone else, Im coming out of my cave. More later. For now, I just need to breathe.
Posted on: Sun, 05 Oct 2014 00:27:54 +0000
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