I have been stuck in a rut! Not only with writing, with everything. I guess pain can do that! So, I thought to let you read a chapter here and there from the "Monster" book and see, if we can start a conversation or something. May be you even can relate: Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha ANGER Ingrid: What? Angry! Me? Never! Ha! It was drilled into me showing anger is an absolute no-no. If someone would tell me that today, my reaction would be, “You’ve got to be kidding!” I have seen what happens when one stuffs all that anger and doesn’t express it. You get sick, you really get very sick and then you die too early. AND – on top of everything else you live a miserable life, because you are full of anger and that turns into hate and you hate yourself and make everybody around you miserable including you. Go punch a bag, run around the block, take a drive and scream in your car where nobody can hear you and get rid of anger. I was accepting verbal and physical abuse, not being allowed to talk back. I did that a few times and the result was more abuse. If you ask me if I was angry; I was pissed off, I was full of hate and I couldn’t do a darn thing other than go further. I challenged the abuser, my father, questioning how far he would go. Would he kill me? This became a game for me and I didn’t realize it was a dangerous game, because I had no clue what all this did to my mind. Well, the game didn’t last very long, my father died when I was 18 and oh “goodie, goodie”, I believed I had no reason to be angry any more. The root of my anger was dead. What I didn’t realize was that I had all that anger stored in my belly and sooner or later it would emerge. When it did, I forgot how to be angry; I didn’t know how to express it. I told myself that I really wasn’t angry and that the emotion, which was crawling up my spine was something I was able to handle; and I did, I was so calm that it was scaring me. I imagined myself as the eye of a tornado, I was wrapped so tight and then one day I ripped the outer shell apart and let the anger flow. I screamed, I yelled, I pounded the floor, I cursed, I cried, I wept, I purged, I coughed and on and on it went. After that first explosion was over I looked into the mirror and saw a different face. Somehow I felt peaceful. This was only the beginning of many cleansings. I have learned to accept that one experience doesn’t heal what I was holding in for so many years. Over time I was able to turn that anger into compassion and understanding for my father and patience for myself. My younger sister was not that fortunate. Living in Vienna, Austria she was doomed. Our family like so many others did not discuss problems, when she got angry, her entire being cringed, not just her face, her whole body was twisted. She didn’t express it immediately. Later she would explode for no particular reason and everybody was in shock. So, the real problems were never solved, never confronted and her untimely death was very unfortunate. Spending some time with my sister in the hospital there still were moments when some unresolved anger, jealousy and frustration flared up. At the time of her death I was in Arizona. I was sitting near the pool of my friend’s house when my nephew called to tell me that my sister’s soul has left. Complete stillness enveloped my being and I wept. I lifted my head and looked at the bell hanging from the wooden beam and for no reason I smiled. The bell started ringing and in the far distance I saw a bird flying towards the pale morning sky. I watched and I heard a sound coming from the bird as if it was saying good-bye and it disappeared behind the mountain. I knew then that my little sister’s Spirit was free. She finally was free and at Peace.
Posted on: Thu, 05 Sep 2013 17:32:17 +0000
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