I just got off the phone with my mom and I just came to the realization that this journey I am currently on is destroying me. When people ask me how I am doing I shrug my shoulders and say Im hanging in there and move on to another subject. The truth is I am not ok. I am tired of fighting this battle. I am tired of waking up and going to be with the first and last things on my mind being will I be here next year? I realize I am babbling but I am so confused and disgusted and tired of worrying and waiting for this test and that test. Tired of asking people to cover shifts cause I have an appt. or cringing everytime the phone rings and I see a doctor number come up. I realize I am feeling sorry for myself right now and I need to keep positive. My big girl panties are getting harder and harder to pull up. And the reason I am so mad at myself right now is that I have secluded myself from my entire family, including my mom. I dont want to leave the house, I dont want to go to work. I want to stay locked in the house which is where I feel the safest. I talk to my facebook friends and not my family. What is wrong with me? everyone is going thru stuff. I need to knock it off. What happens to me happens. in the meantime I need to live and call my mother to see if she is ok. I love you mom and Lori and Kathie and Diane. I am sorry for disappearing out of everyones life and pretending I am ok. Im not. But I need you all and I love you all. And I am very thankful for my dear friends on here who read my crap every single day and still care about me. I thank you all for listening.
Posted on: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 17:36:07 +0000
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