I just got off the treadmill and didnt finish the mile as I normally do. I have a family event coming up and have to travel to my home town this weekend. This should be a joyous occasion as it should be nice to see family but every horrible memory I have and trauma that has occurred in my life happened in the state Im traveling to. My anxiety and panic have reached a record high, the highest its been since I first moved to New York. Im having trouble eating and trouble staying grounded. I keep having nightmares of people I had long forgotten. So, Im on the treadmill and the panic attack loop thinking starts. I start thinking I cant remember how to use my legs and trip. Then I start getting dizzy and the catastrophic thinking starts, Im going to pass out and no one will find me, etc. My ipod, which normally gets me through my work outs felt like it was constricting my ears and the music seemed intrusive versus helpful. Then my breathing rhythm loses sync and I have to stop the treadmill. What Ive been forced to do is to constantly adjust my tools. I took the ipod off and got back on the treadmill again. Rather than listen to music I counted my footsteps as I ran. Now let me get to the point. For some of us, panic and fear is a part of our daily lives. We just uncovered my most severe trauma a few months ago so being afraid is part of the process for now. My body needs to purge itself of panic and fear as its just now connecting to the memory my brain kept in a vault to protect me. I have to do things scared for right now. Given the gravity of the trauma, its a miracle I survived it and am here to write this now. People give advice on how to overcome fear and I know I will one day but I have this inner understanding that my body needs to feel this right now because it didnt feel it when it all happened. Trust your struggle keeps coming to mind. It is so utterly hard to trust that any form of suffering is okay but the alternative would be worse. Adopting the belief that Im still a victim and bad things are still happening to me would perpetuate the victim role rather than nurture the survivor role. None of this is easy but I know there are a lot of you struggling every moment of every day with fear and terror. I have to talk to myself gently all day, every day. You are okay. You arent going to die. You are safe. You are loved. You can do this. By the end of the day Im mentally exhausted but I would rather go to sleep exhausted from trying than go to sleep exhausted from giving up. Keep pushing through the fear and believe that this current trial will culminate into eventual freedom. Sincerely, Kate J. Tate
Posted on: Mon, 21 Jul 2014 15:35:51 +0000
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