I knew as soon as I heard the cause of death for Robin Williams that there were going to be hundreds, if not thousands, of experts weighing in…and passing judgement. I have heard him, and others who have committed suicide, called selfish, among other things. I have heard others remark how much he had to live for. Anyone who can say either of those things has no idea what they are talking about. I have battled depression since I was a teenager. I have attempted suicide twice and considered it twice more. Even in good times there have been times when I went to bed and hoped I wouldnt wake up. What brings it on? There arent any triggers. It is something that is always there, even if just below the surface. Even when you come out the other side of a bad time, you realize that it does affect your thinking and outlook. It is not a concerted effort to feel those ways…it is actually a concerted effort to feel normal. You will have days when it doesnt bother you. You will have days when you dont want to open your eyes to deal with the world again. You will have days when it is so bad, you feel physical pain. Attempts by others to help, will quite often make things WORSE! People who are going through a period like that see their lives in a system of plus and minuses. Attempts at motivating and encouraging do NOT necessarily make us see the pluses….they make us feel like we arent appreciating what we have, which - to us - is just one more thing in the minus column. Depression isnt something you can just get over, wish away, laugh away or just change your outlook. Those things just keep it at bay. They dont eliminate it. There have been times when I needed medication to get over some rough patches. There were other times when I didnt. Sometimes someone WAS able to reach through that slough of despond, there were other times when I came through it on my own. What was it in each time that made a difference? I have no idea. If I did, I would hang onto it and never need to go through that again. That is something else that people dont understand. We dont like it, we dont want it and we…more than anyone else…wish we knew how to make it go away. But judging other victims of it does not help. People think that just because youre laughing, smiling and having a good time, it is done. It isnt. Youre just at a place where it isnt so bad anymore. But, those not dealing with it think that you are selective when you feel it and when you dont. They dont realize that we feel depressed because there is something wrong. It is like an infection that we cant identify.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 21:01:01 +0000
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