I never have perfect days because I’m NOT perfect. I struggle and I often bring myself down. I cheat not only because my brain doesn’t think but because I disrespect myself. I tell myself I wont make it, I tell myself I’m not good enough for this. I have learned over the years to hate myself and that’s one of the biggest downers and if you truly believe that you suck, then nothing you try will work. And that’s a mentality thing that you have to work very hard to change. I’m currently working on that. Something recently occurred to me, the one thing I’ve ever wanted in life is to just be a mother; to be married and have a whole freaking flock of kids; boys…a soccer team of em’ running around driving me crazy; obviously that isn’t going to happen but at least one…Because what is the point of living and loving life if you don’t have anyone to love life with and give life to. It occurred to me, the reason I don’t have love and a boyfriend is because I’m ugly and obese. So maybe if I lose weight I’ll be pretty and finally find that someone to settle down with and have a baby. I’m dying for the day when I can finally have my bridal shower and my wedding and my baby shower; and all these wonderful firsts with a husband and baby. I’ve worked so many events at the restaurant and seen so much happiness that I long to be a part of; I wonder if my day will ever come?. As I’m rapidly approaching the age of twenty five I realize that my time to enjoy that happiness is ticking away; when I look back on home movies I see that my mom already had a husband and two children by twenty five and was enjoying life with her husband, her sister, her nephews and doing the things that I wish I was doing now. Twenty five I’ll be…and time is running out and once it’s gone it’s gone. So I swear that by the time I’m twenty six I will be pretty and skinny and hopefully by the time I’m twenty seven I’ll be with someone that I can see a future with. I have to be, because you only get one life…I don’t want to look back when I’m eighty and realize I’ve spent a life alone with no one to love, no one that loves me back and no memories at all; because I was ugly and obese. However, back to the first line there of NOT being perfect; that is true. But…I did have a pretty perfect day as far as sticking to my N.S diet here and walking. I hope if I can keep that up I will see some results this week.
Posted on: Sun, 04 Aug 2013 01:10:04 +0000
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