I reconnected with an old friend today, someone who I had hurt deeply and who, by all rights could have hated me forever. She indicated to me that shes trying to let things go. I spent a great deal of time thinking about this conversation and came to the realization that most of the things I have been holding on to, the hatred, the grudges, were situations of my own creation. I realized that nobody can make me angry unless I allow them to and that I have created immeasurable harm by acting out in a hateful manner and cutting ties with those who I love. Ive blamed others for my shortcomings and failed to take the responsibility due for what has happened. Being said, I want to begin to set this right. I take full responsibility for every hurt, every slight, everything I have ever said that has cut the hearts of others and had a negative impact on them. You know who you are and I am not going to ask for your forgiveness, but it would be welcome. Nobody made me this way. Nobody made me act out and cut ties. Nobody made me act in ways that were inconsiderate and hurtful. I chose to do this and I chose to justify my actions in my own mind. The fact is that justification in my mind didnt make anything right, it just made me feel better about it. I offer my sincerest apologies to each and every person I have ever dealt with. Every person who has had to sit and listen to me issue some sort of angry rant about my life and how I am treated, every person who has had to endure the brunt of my anger while their own feelings were set aside, and every person who has been made to listen to me put myself and my needs above those of others deserved far better than I gave them. I cant set everything right. Every action has consequences and I accept that. I do not wish to avoid any of the consequences that have been brought down upon me because of what I have done. What I can do however is wipe the slate clean at least in my mind of any perceived wrongdoing I have placed at the feet of others. I took steps today to reach out to some people that I had cut ties with. I also went through my block list on second life and deleted every mute I had ever entered. I cant change now people see me except by changing how I see myself and how I view others. I cant stop the cycle of hate unless I say the buck stops here. I cant be born again into the spirit of kindness, compassion and forgiveness, unless I extend this to others... and to myself. A new day has begun and if you wish to join me, Im here.
Posted on: Mon, 08 Sep 2014 23:19:15 +0000
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