I think I might be depressed. I cant bring myself to admit it, though, but I think the signs are there. I dont want to admit it because Ive been doing so well for this long and think that I can keep going, but maybe my body has other plans. Maybe Im still trying to rev the motor when all the gas is gone. All I want to do is be in bed under the covers. Thats it. I have to fight that feeling from the second I get up in the morning. I just want to go back to bed. All the time. I cant, though, so I get up and handle the bare minimum of my responsibilities, and, the rest of the time that I have to be up, Im head down, engrossed in my phone or something so I dont have to deal with anything else. I can barely even interact with my kids in a decent manner, which makes me feel awful for being a terrible mom while I feel down. I just dont want to; I want to hide. What really made me question my status was that food didnt taste great anymore. I love to eat. I mean, I really love to eat. I love food. Food loves me. I enjoy eating. Well, I enjoyed eating. Now its all just ... meh. I tried getting my favorite sweets but they didnt have the zing of awesome to them anymore. So now I just eat because its there or I have to or ... something. It makes me extra sad to feel like Ive lost that joy of loving what Im eating. (I thought it was because I was sick, but it started before that and I am not really sick anymore, so I cant use that as an excuse now.) Im trying to find the joy I had in other things, too, like the sunrise. I could look at the sunrise and feel blessed to have seen it, and Id feel my chest fill with happiness and it would make me feel like I was glowing. I keep trying to recreate that, but now its like Im in a glass bubble and my enjoyment of the sunrise (or anything that used to make me super happy, like sitting with my animals, walking around my land, hanging out with my kids) gets to a certain point and hits that glass bubble. I cant make the glow anymore, and I just ... I feel hopeless without that happiness glow. I dont know what changed. I dont know why things are different now than they were a month ago, or two months ago, or whenever I didnt feel like this. I thought maybe I was deficient in some vitamin or nutrient, so I started having my vitamin shake in the morning, but that didnt fix it. I thought maybe I wasnt getting enough sleep, so I really took it easy for a day or two. Feeling sick didnt help anything either, but it did make me stop for a bit and just work on feeling better and getting some rest and all that. But ... no. Still sad. Im still trying. Im still looking at the sky, the sunrise, my kids, the creatures in my care, the house I have, and Im trying to feel something worthy of being happy about again. Im not intentionally down on myself, but I keep feeling like Im supposed to be sad and that I like being sad and that this is just going to keep going. I dont know. This sucks. Maybe its because I finally have to really face what Im going through. Im unpacking things and having to find places for stuff that wasnt mine but now is that Im not sure I even want to keep but cant bring myself to get rid of because it was his. And Im doing it alone. Hes not here to help. I have no partner to help me with household things, or building what needs to be built, and I really feel that absence when I have to call someone and pay someone to help me do things because I dont have the supportive partner to work through it all with and I dont feel the confidence to do it myself without that support. Also because I dont feel like doing much of anything so all my projects would get half-finshed and stop. (Its probably better that I call someone else to do most of it, though, because plumbing really isnt my thing and you sure cant half-ass building a shed with all this wind out here.) I do have moments of happy, where I feel better than the rest of the time, so its not all doom and gloom. Its just mostly gloom. And I kind of cry at the drop of a hat now. Thats new. Id been seeing a counselor / therapist for a bit, but Ive avoided her (and everyone else) for the last couple of weeks because I dont want to be around people. I dont want to be around anybody, even myself. I just want to wrap myself in my blanket and disappear for a while. Dont mind me, Im just mopey.
Posted on: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 15:09:47 +0000
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