I thought when I rang the bell, everything would be miraculously over, my life would be back and greet me with open out stretched arms. It did not happen. Instead it spun me in a tunnel of unfamiliar territory. My title has gone from warrior to what? I do not feel like a survivor. My body, with all the familiar aches and pains still echo throughout my body. I still squeeze my eyes shut, while tears jet out from the sides, hoping to satisfy this monster called pain. I still lay at night with the same questions haunting my mind. I havent wanted to write to you. I guess I have been to embarrassed by my ungrateful thoughts, ashamed of my anger and frustration. I am now considered a survivor, but I still feel like I am fighting to survive. How do I process this uneasiness, this vexation of spirit? There is so much information on fighting breast cancer, but so little I have found on surviving breast cancer, the aftermath. No one was standing there, after I rang the bell, with a goody bag of pamphlets, web sites, support meetings, Organisation folders and vocabulary terms for this stage . I have never felt more alone or on my own, as I do now. I wish a survivor would have been with me that day, to hold my hand, and let me know, although you are thrilled to have been given the opportunity to ring the bell, you still come home with the same body. The battle wounds do not magically disappear. The ravages of war still hold my body captive to the barbaric treatment methods. I assume doctors do not share with you this other side of cancer, because their goal is just to get you there, once you arrive your on your own. The once daily appointments, testing, treatment, contact, have suddenly stopped. I feel stranded on a deserted island of new undiscovered territory, trying to make my way, trying to find a new normal, trying to find the survivor in me. Love and thanks, Janelle
Posted on: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 17:51:56 +0000
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