I was 13 when my brother left to south korea 15 when my sister went off to college One day Ill reach a point in my life where I will have lived more years without them as opposed to with them in my life. On that day I will cry and remember all the useless arguments and deep routed hatred that I wish I had again. Ill remember writing my sisters name over and over again underneath the bathroom sink because I loved her or playing my brothers video games and stupidly doing everything he did; dangerously crossing the street at the 7-11 by the library, standing on the pegs of a moving bicycle, watching dragonball z and naruto. I imitated him the most. Ill remember wanting so badly to be like them; to have friends and freedom and fashion. When I finally reached that point in my life where I could truly relate to them. They were long since gone. I matured by myself and still wished that I could be more like them. I wanted the strength and will of my brother and the intellect and compassion of my sister. Ive been weak and cruel and entirely stupid but I wouldnt have known what more I could be if I didnt see myself through them. I wanted most to be like my brother, when he rejected my admiration I let myself be angry at him. I got so lost in our fighting I lost sight of the love between us. I remember being cruel and hurtful, even as the child that I was. I know I hurt him. I victimized myself and played on my sisters love; always placing her in the middle of our fights. She was my shield. I look back on my life and see how Ive torn my family apart. I took pride in being nothing that my parents wanted me to be. I thought I was a revolutionist and better than them. I revolted against their every belief. It hurts me to know that they never stopped loving me. Even as I screamed hateful things to them they never stopped loving me. I used to feel like I was the worst thing that ever happened to my family. Ive realized since that at one point, my sister felt something very similar, and my brother had a parallel experience as well. Maybe its something we all went through and were too hurt and ashamed to share it with each other.. I know that were all good people because weve hated the evil thats inside of us. I know that we love each other because we try to be better people. I know I can be a horrible vile person but Im so glad that I was born into a family strong enough to endure me, smart enough to understand me, and compassionate enough to love me still. Im wild and reckless and quite rude, my brother is cold-hearted and my sister is naive, my mother is a crybaby, and my father is close minded, and theyre the most beautiful perfect people that Ive ever known.
Posted on: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 02:56:29 +0000
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