I woke up and dressed myself. I had no idea what the day would bring. The children staying at a friends place. I entered a room of darkness at 9:00 at night to hear people snoring or whimpering. Jon hugged me and said good bye and the large iron door closed behind him. I felt like an animal left on the side of the road. It was so dark. I could not see anything other than what looked like a hospital observation room but all the curtains were drawn. What is this place? Why is a nurse behind a glass window? Im shown my bed. What in Gods name did I do. What is wrong with these people, what is wrong with me? Why am I here? What did I do to myself? How did I get here? I just want to go home, but I cant I cant turn back. Ive done to much damage. I have to make this right. Am I really ill? I wont fit in here, I think Im amongst crazy people. Dont leave me here, please no. Im pregnant. Yes, this is why Im here, the children. Go to sleep. Try to sleep. Stop crying, they will hear you. How long do I have to be here? I want to go home. Bi-Polar. The shock of it now seems ions ago. The embarrassment as I thought, for people to know but the relief in being able to label, in a way who I was and why I had been so quirky and all over the place. Its a tough pill to swallow, but I chose to fight. I chose to not let this diagnoses define who I was. I would not sit and wallow in self pity. Today, marks 3 years to the day I admitted myself to the psychiatric ward in Gatineau. This was the most life altering experience other than the birth of our 4 beautiful children. At the time I felt lost, angry and scared of the unknown. Could medication really help me? Will I become a zombie? Will I loose my identity? These people take so many pills and walk around like they are in their own world. Thank God Im pregnant, they cant do that to me, I wont let them. After a grueling almost 2 months, I was ready to re-enter the world. Baby steps. Even after was challenging. Ownership of poor choices. Learning a new way of life. Who would of thought this in itself would become a job. I was not paid in money but paid in the satisfaction I became well. I took the leap and had faith. I love Jon and I love my children. Without Jons determination and at times as heart wrenching the decisions he made were, he knew what was best for me and the family and I respect and love him for this. To my friends who supported and stuck with me I love you and thank you. I know you always have my back. This support pushed me even more to wanting to be well. My sister who came to me when we were so distant, you know what you did and thank you. Today I reflect and look at my journey. I was a broken down woman, a self defeatist. A woman spinning out of control to the point I questioned my own existence. Someone once told me the grass is greener on the other side. I had to believe. I knew then what I was fighting for. Today, I am a mother to my children, a wife who respects and loves her husband to infinity and beyond. I cherish my friendships with compassion and understanding. To some it is not a huge deal but for people like me it says a lot to say my home is now in order. To my counsellor for the tools and direction she provided that without it, I seriously would not have grown. I now wake up looking forward to what the day will bring. I am no longer manic, I have cut my medication in half and I have completed therapy. Some might say that I am no longer bi-polar. Honestly I dont feel that I am. My mission will be to finish my book in hopes it will touch others and to help people in the state that I was to be encouraged to seek help and stick with the formula I used to enjoy life again. I didnt ask for this, but I was dealt this card and maybe God thought I am the one to get this job done. I proudly say I am proof that there is a light at the end of tunnel. Fight for it. The battle is real and we are warriors. A fight within your mind is difficult but you can and will come out a champion. I will continue to be here for those who need to reach out as I love doing so. Thank you for being so supportive of me, understanding me and taking this journey with me. Love always Jennifer
Posted on: Tue, 01 Apr 2014 12:31:21 +0000
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