IM HOME!!! And yes, I am home early. Apparently once your mission president finds out that you have been having panic attacks for 8 months, missionary medical will send you home. For more details, keep reading... Well, it feels weird to be writing on a non-Monday. And to be typing on a laptop. And to be wearing jeans. Yes, I am home. Physically anyway. My heart still belongs in Virginia. Although it is nice to have real mountains again. Even though I didn’t expect this moment for nearly another 10 months. I guess what takes most missionaries 18 months or 2 years only took me 8 months to fulfill what God needed me to do. I don’t know who is more shocked that I am home. You the reader or me. I still can’t wrap my head around it. I still don’t like it. But I am at peace about it. It all went down Tuesday night. We arrived at the mission office so I could meet with President Riggs. While Hermana Quiñones waited in the foyer I went in to talk with our mission president. As soon as I sat down he asked me something that stunned me greatly. “Well, Hermana Wright, are you ready to find out what time your plane leaves tomorrow?” Me: wait……. WHAT?!!! Pres: *shuffles papers* you leave tomorrow morning at 9. Which means, I will pick you up at your apartment tomorrow at, oh, let’s say 7:15 Me: ……………………………… Wait….. what? I thought we were going to be talking about solutions? You already have my plane ticket???? *trying not to cry* Pres: It wasn’t my choice. Neither I nor your stake president have the power to send you home. It was missionary medical’s decision. They notified me this afternoon. You’re going home tomorrow morning. Within 24 hours I was home, with my family, released, and still in shock. 8 and a half months isn’t long enough. Part of me kept wondering ‘what if… what if I never told President? What if my companion never called Sister Riggs?’ but the majority of me is at peace. Let me explain…….. For near my entire mission I have been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks. All my emails home where I mentioned being sick, having emotional breakdowns, or vomiting are all part of it. Anyway, last transfer things started to get worse and I hit rock bottom. My companion called Sister Riggs so I could get help and then convinced me to call President to meet with him. I agreed because I figured that it couldn’t hurt; in fact, it might help me cope with all the stress and anxiety. He agreed to meet with me Saturday afternoon where I told him I had been having panic attacks, near constant diarrhea, some vomiting, etc for the past 8 months. He was immensely surprised that I had gone this long without telling anyone. Why had I not? First off, I didn’t want to go home and I knew others who had gone home early due to this very cause. Second, after a while it just became normal for me and I didn’t realize that mission stress was affecting me a lot differently than others. It took my companion telling me straight up “girl, you need help. Missions aren’t supposed to be like this. You aren’t happy. I knew you before the mission and you were happy then. This isn’t normal” for me to realize that something was off. So I agreed to talk to President. And tell him the truth. No more weekly email about how hunky dory things were. So I told him. I remember he asked me “well, Hermana Wright, have you had enough? Are you ready to go home?” and I firmly told him that no, I was not going home and I was going to do whatever it took to stay out. So we talked about me maybe seeing a doctor and getting medication and other things. And he made me promise that I was only going to give completely honest weekly updates. And he gave me an assignment to study the first three verse of Doctrine and Covenants section 3. I thought things would get better after that but things ended up heading south. I had another break down Saturday evening which resulted in my companion calling President and him talking with me over the phone. Sunday and Monday I emailed him my assignment and my honest update. Little did I know but he was a lot more worried than he let on and was reporting everything to mission medical. Monday was one of the hardest days on the mission and that night I had one of the largest panic attacks ever. After I calmed down my companion read me Elder Holland’s “Like a Broken Vessel” talk and told me how I was basically trying to walk on a broken leg. “Hermana, I just want you to be happy. You need to go home. You’re sick. You need to go home, get better, and maybe come back.” By this time I was convinced that I needed help. So I said “you know, I think tomorrow morning I will call to meet President again. I think…. I might need to go home.” As soon as I said this I felt an intense blanket of peace. It was a comforting feeling, something I had not enjoyed in months. At this moment I realized how poorly I was actually doing. I had been so stressed that I was not able to feel the Spirit as strongly. I hadn’t been enjoying the last few months of my mission. I didn’t want to go home but from that peace, I knew that this is what God wanted for me. And who was I to mess with His plan? What I had learned from President’s assignment is that the work of God is never frustrated. God doesn’t need us for His work. He just allows us to take part in it to shape us and help us grow. It didn’t matter if we were short on hermanas in the mission already. It didn’t matter if I had investigators on date, strong relationships with members, or anything. I had done all that God needed me to do and He was going to take care of the rest. This was His work and everything would turn out. My mission scripture, 3 Nephi 27:13 gave me strength. I didn’t come on a mission to do my will or what I thought I should do – I came to do His will. Whether that meant serving for 8 months or 18. Tuesday morning I called President. Me: Hey President, it’s Hna Wright. Can we meet today? I think we need to talk about me…… maybe going home. I received spiritual confirmation last night. Pres: Hna Wright, I have no doubt that you did receive that revelation. Ok, let’s meet tonight at the mission office at 9. Little did I know that this was going to be my last day in the mission field. For those of you reading this who are on missions, live every day like it’s your last. You may not have a tomorrow to check on that potential or fill in that lesson in the area book or to boldly invite to repentance and baptism. You never know. That brings us back to Tuesday night. Pres: It was missionary medical’s decision. They notified me this afternoon. You’re going home tomorrow morning. Me: wait….. mission medical is sending me home? Do you think this is best? Pres: oh, I have no doubt. I told President about the confirmation I had received the night before Pres: I am so glad you told me that. I knew going home was the best thing for you ever since I read your email and I am glad that God has allowed you to see that. I don’t envy being in your shoes right now. But you are in the middle of the soup and once we get you home in a happy place you will see that this is best. Then he gave me a priesthood blessing, called the sister training leaders to pick up my companion tomorrow morning, and sent Hna Q and I on our way home to pack. There you have it. That is why I am at home. When my stake president released me Wednesday evening he told me a little bit more about how mission medical works and how he and President Riggs had been on the phone with mission medical all weekend, ever since I told President about my panic attacks. While at first they tried to convince mission medical to let me stay in the field, that wasn’t what God wanted. Apparently even Elder Russell M. Nelson personally looked over my file and felt strongly that I needed to go home. And who can argue with an Apostle of the Lord? So I am home. My stake president also told me that it is possible, God willing, that in a few months if I get better and remain stable, that I can go back out and finish my mission. I currently do not know what God wants for me so I am just trying to figure things out one day at a time and decipher what His plan is for me. Whether I go back out or not, I just want you all to know how grateful I am for the opportunity to have served. I learned so much and it changed my life. Being home is hard but I am confident that it is the right decision and I am excited to finally get the help I need. This is where my healing begins. Con amor, Hermana Kaitlynn Wright
Posted on: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 02:57:19 +0000
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