INSERT 78 #Amahle Dad: Woza sisi. I got up from the bed and wore my gown. He stood up and we got out of the room. Me: Where are we going? He kept quiet and led us out of the house. We got in the car and I dozed off as he drove off. I felt him shake me and I woke up. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Him: Woza. I got out of the car. Me: Why are we at Aya’s house? My heart started racing. We walked in the yard and went to the door. The lights were on. Me: Dad. He held my hand and we got in. As soon as we got to the lounge we were met with silence. Me: Sanibonani. Aya’s aunts all looked at me. I looked around and then looked at my dad. One of Aya’s aunts stood up and took my hand. Me: What’s going on? She led me up the stairs. Me: Kwenzakalani? My heart was literally on my throat beating so fast. She led us to Aya’s bedroom. I pushed her away from me. Me: What’s going on for heaven’s sake! I opened the door roughly and budged in the room. Me: Pam. I looked at her as she sat on Aya’s bed. Me: What’s going on? Pam looked at me and her lips quivered. I walked in and stood next to her. Me: Yini? Where is Aya? Her: Behind you. I turned around. Me: No. I looked up at Aya. Me: No. I stared at him and my whole body was instantly on fire. Me: No. I took off my gown. Me: No Aya. I threw my gown to the ground and as I was about to walk to Aya, Pam stood up and held me. Me: Aya! I tried pushing Pam away but she held me. Me: Aya look at me! Pam held me. Me: Pam let go of me. Please Pam! I looked up at Aya and pleaded with my eyes. Suddenly two men walked in. One of them came to me and helped Pam hold me. Me: Please let go of me. Please! My whole body was heating up and I couldn’t breathe properly. Man: Ma’am we’re taking you out of this room. Pam: No. Man: She’s not in a good state ma’am. Pam: No. The other man took a chair and stood on it. The man who was holding me let go of me. The man on the chair untied the knots and seconds later the other men held Aya and put him down. Pam: Please excuse us. Man: Ma’- Pam: Please. The two men nodded and walked out. I looked down at Aya and Pam finally let go of me. I kneeled down next to him and shook him. Me: Please wake up Aya. I down at him. I shook him hard. Me: Pam he’s in pain. He is in pain and I can feel it. I can see it Pam, he needs me! Pam kneeled down next to him and touched his hand. Me: Pam do something! I shook him again and Pam held my hands. Pam: He is dead. Me: No! Pam: My son is dead… Me: Aya. I looked down at him and he didn’t say anything. Pam: My son is dead… I kept quiet. Pam: My Aya is dead! I looked at Pam and she was now rocking back and forth. Pam: My Aya is dead! He is dead! She began screaming. I held her and tried to calm her down. Pam: Why Ayabonga?! She screamed even louder and painfully. I couldn’t take it. I let go of her and threw myself at Aya. I needed him to say something. I needed him to stop his mother. I held on to him. He was warm. I nuzzled my head on his neck and inhaled his smell. Me: Aya please wake up. Ngiyacela bandla Aya. Suddenly the door opened and someone ran to us. Me: Aya I love you! Person: Amahle. Me: Say you love me back Aya! Please! I held on even tighter to him hoping he would say something. I heard someone run to the room and suddenly I was snatched away from Aya. Me: No! I also heard Pam scream even louder. Dad: Amahle look at me. Me: Dad wake him up! He put my face in his hands and made me face him. Me: Dad! Dad: Akasekho Amahle. I tried looking at Aya but he held my face tighter. Me: Ngicela um’vuse. Ngiyacela baba. Dad: Amahle ushonile. Me: Kanjani? He was with me just 3 hours ago. Dad nodded lightly and took a deep breath. Me: Kanjani? He kept quiet. Me: How is he dead when he was with me 3 hours ago? When he held me and looked at me 3 hours ago?? He nodded. Me: How? I felt the hot tears fill my face. Me: How is he dead? He pulled me up and held me into his arms. Me: Why would he die? The room was suddenly silent. Man: The mother passed out. Man 2: Take her to another room… I shut my eyes and let every single emotion flood me over. My dad’s arms were the only thing keeping me up. Man 2: We’re taking the body now. One of the aunts agreed. I opened my eyes. My dad held me tighter and covered my eyes as they took Aya’s body and walked out. The room was dead silent. I let Aya’s presence fill my mind and soul. I stood there and just let him fill me. My father picked me up and I closed my eyes. *** I felt someone shake me and I opened my eyes. I looked at my dad as he looked down at me. He helped me sit up and then stared at me with so much pity in his eyes. Dad: Baby. I cleared my throat. Me: Is he really dead? He nodded. Me: What am I supposed to do now? Him: You carry on living. I kept quiet. He put his hand in his pocket and took out a folded envelope. He handed it to me and stood up. Him: My heart goes out to you… He walked out of the room and closed the door. I sat up and unfolded the envelope. My name was written on it. I opened it and took out the paper. I unfolded. “Amahle I am depressed… The hardest part about this is finding a way to explain it to you or anyone else. It feels like I’ve been hiding a terrible secret day in and day out. I am ashamed of how I am feeling right now. I’m ashamed for being so weak and allowing this thing to affect me to the point that I don’t even recognise myself in the mirror. It feels like I’m living in someone else’s body. I feel like I have somehow failed myself, my family and most importantly, you. No one knows what I’m going through because I can’t voice it. I can’t be bothered with myself so why should other people? How can I possibly tell someone that I feel like I want to die? I try to wake up every day and work this through but I can’t Amahle. I am exhausted and I want out. The only problem is that this is a very selfish thought… I love you so much Amahle that my heart literally beats fast when I think of you. Your gentle spirit and loving heart has made me the most blessed man I know… Unfortunately even through all the love and affection we share, I still feel unfulfilled. I still feel shallow… I still struggle with my thoughts and I honestly cannot take it anymore. As selfish as this is, I really have to do it. The happiness is always short-lived. I’m afraid that these thoughts have filled my mind body and soul to the point of no return… I’m sorry Amahle but I can’t live anymore. I can’t even bring myself to explain fully what is on my mind because I lack the ability to articulate properly. All I ask is that you carry on being the loving and thoughtful person that I am in love with. Please don’t be mad at me. I am convinced that this is not me speaking but all my crazy thoughts combined… I love you with all of heart. I know that you will be mad and you will hate me but I hope you find the courage to live on and go have an impact in someone else’s life the same way you had in mine. I hate myself for not fully digesting your love and accepting it. I just can’t… I love you Hle Hle, Aya.” I put the letter down and went to the bathroom.
Posted on: Tue, 13 Jan 2015 21:25:10 +0000
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