“If there’s one thing couples researchers have pounded into our heads in the last few years, it’s that it’s better to fight than to disengage. John Gottman is most famous for his claim that he can predict divorce with 94 percent accuracy after only a few minutes of exposure to a couple (Buehlman, Gottman & Katz, 1992). He attributes this prediction, at least in part, to his ability to identify what he terms “the four horsemen of the apocalypse.” These include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Among the four, stonewalling—withdrawing to avoid conflict—might be the most toxic. Gottman normalizes fighting in relationships; the fact that couples fight doesn’t enter into his calculation (Gottman, 1999). It’s more the way they fight that concerns him. He’s much more hopeful about engaged fighting than disengaged fighting…. A review of 74 studies that included more than 14,000 participants suggests that the demand-withdraw pattern is one of the most damaging types of conflict—and a major predictor of divorce.” psychologytoday/blog/encountering-america/201406/why-the-way-you-fight-can-threaten-your-relationship
Posted on: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 01:53:01 +0000