If you have time, read the following. The following text was not proofread for grammatical or spelling mistakes. I intended it to be that way because I don’t to look back at what I wrote. I want my words to flow right out of me. The following lines are my story at King’s Academy. These were the years of life that shaped me the most. These are my attempts to expose who I really am. It is just an attempt to share what shaped the person you see today. I am writing this to expose who I really am, to shed light over some hidden stories that go behind the walls, and to expose part of my schools hidden community. I am not writing this for the sake of attention or fame; I wrote it because I felt it. I felt the need to share this. What you will read might not be how others viewed things, but this is how I saw things around me. I was bullied my whole life! Yes, I was bullied and made fun of. I never really had a good day or a true friend except for a couple of people who stood by me and helped me out. This was true until 8th grade, and then I moved to a new school. I thought that things would change. I will have some new friends, but that did not change. I started out high school as a fat young kid. I was the youngest back then and the fattest, for that matter. That righteously earned me the nickname أبو طيز (The one with a humungous ass). Many songs were written about how huge of an ass I had.. I guess I inspired them. There was not a night that I did not cry myself to sleep. I used to sit in my room and wait until sleep hugs me. I prayed not to wake up, but God never really answered my prayers. People used to bully me because of my weight and because of my nerdy outlook. They took advantage of me. I used to answer their questions, help them solve their homework (such a fun life right?). They didnt really care about who I am! They only cared about me as a tool. That year was definitely one of my worst. I was harassed both verbally and physically. Most of that was because of my weight. I never really had a shower in peace (this remained true for the next 4 years). My showers consisted of cold water being poured on me, opening the curtains, bombarding me with wet toilet paper, and taking my towel away. There were countless times when I had to wrap myself up with the shower curtain just to avoid walking naked down the hallways. During the summer of 2009, I took a life-changing decision: I DECIDED TO LOSE WEIGHT! I wanted to lose that nickname أبو طيز. I worked my ass off at the gym! After training for six hours a day for two months, I lost about 15 kilos. I went back to school all changed with hopes for a better treatment, but did sophomore year change anything? Not really! I was still that boy, the one they bully! Once, I walked back to my room to find it bombarded with raw eggs, shampoo on the floor, urine on the floor and on my mattress, urine on my blankets, and penises were drawn all over the wall! I reported the case to the dean’s office; a security officer came to my room, asked me a couple of questions, but that was pretty much it. What did people do? They continued their mockery! What did Fareed do? I continued helping them out. I wanted them to accept me, but acceptance was never really granted to me! But I tried harder and harder, still nothing. This was when I started losing my faith in God! Anyhow, my story continues. I thought that it might be my new body, I need a better body. I dont have to be skinny anymore. Summer of 2010, a new change. I started body-building! That summer I gained about 7 kilos of pure muscles! I was a skinny 62 kilos skeleton, by the end of that summer I was 70! It took a lot of hard work but did it pay off? Not really! Now, I earned my new nickname (The one who has muscles)أبو عضل. No one really cared about me! I was still the same person from the inside. At that point, I lost all of my feelings. I decided to become numb! Papers became my refuge. My pen has become my only weapon. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Most of what I wrote was about death and how I wait for death to hug my soul. How I long for deaths cold fingers to embrace my being! But it never really came. That loneliness was still killing me; the feeling of being taken advantage of was there. I was an alienated! I never really belonged. Once, I was walking back to my room after dinner. On my way back, I sort of heard two guys talking. I knew that eavesdropping was wrong, but curiosity got the better of me. I stood there listened. One of the two people who were talking asked my “friend” what is Fareed to you, his answer was فريد خزي يا زم (This loosely translates into: he is just someone I take advantage of). At that precise moment, I felt the world around me collapsing. I wanted to be sucked into the nothingness of death. I collapsed, but luckily, I collapsed in my room. I cried until I slept! Next day, I treated him the way I usually do. I greeted him; I did not want him to know that I heard him! He is the only one that keeps me company; I should keep him as a friend shouldnt I? I was that desperate. I WANTED A FRIEND to talk to. Anyhow, that year passed by slowly. I got my grades and I did as well as I expected. Summer of 2011, I decided to dance! Dancing frees your soul doesnt it? Freedom is what I got, but it was temporary! As I started my senior year, mockery started again. Now I have become the dancing boy, the boy who likes to move, who has nothing better to do! And once again they pinned me down! They made me feel worthless again. I wanted to escape, but I had no place to go to. I wanted to hide, but there was no place to hide! I had to live there. I used to wear a stoic expression, and sometimes I would throw in a smile. I did not want them to see my weaknesses. I was a wall. I did not want them to shatter me; I was already in pieces. I did not need more at that point. I lost my faith in God! To me he no longer existed, and as a skeptic, I started reading. I was turning into a vicious atheist. Armed with knowledge and reading, I used to argue. The year did pass by. I expected it to be like other years but, no, destiny and its surprises. It is weird how things work. You think youve reached the lowest point and nothing worse can happen, then BAAAM, a blow that is almost lethal! But before that thing happened, a couple of events did take place. The usual mockery, right? But this time to a new extent. At that time, I mastered the one-handed handstand! I was excited; I was really proud of myself, so I posted a photo of me doing it on facebook. Next thing you know, the very next day people at school made fun of me. Whenever they saw me, they would take off their backpacks and attempt a one-handed handstand! And they will go like شوف شوف هيك صح؟ (look, look, is this the right way of doing it?) and the usual “hahahah برقص” (hahahah, he dances). I walked to my dorm that evening with one thing in my mind: I wanted to end my life right there. I wanted to get rid of this burden! I went up to my room locked the door, closed the curtains and lights and I sat inside my closet (which was tiny). No lights, no phone, laptop off. Everything was ready. I knew that this time I will succeed! I wanted to take my life away, because nothing seemed to work. No one seemed to accept me the way I am. They always wanted something! They always needed something. In the closet, with immense heat, I took my bathrobes belt and tied it around my neck and I began strangling myself. Hypoxia started to kick in. I felt light-headed! Then I went outside of the closet, and threw myself on my bed I said If I want to die, let me die on my bed. I began strangling myself again, but my strength ebbed. I slept. At 8:30 pm, the halls supervisor came to check at me as I was supposed to check in at 8, but I didnt. I was asleep; he gave me a warning and asked me not to do it again. I woke up, sort of disoriented, then started crying. I closed the door again and I cried and cried till someone came and asked me to stop crying and cheered me up a little. But that night wasnt good at all! I slept with thoughts of death hovering over my head. Next day, I woke up. I wore my stoic expression and life continued! After a month of that event, a new problem presented itself. That was the “almost lethal” blow I mentioned earlier. That problem led to a cascade of events that are too long (and too personal) to write here. I almost lost my hope of studying medicine. I went to get my equivalency, and received a 94 while I deserved a 98.5. I accepted the 94 and my dream of becoming a doctor was gone! As far as I knew back then, there was not a single chance. Nothing worked, the problem only got more complicated. Until one day, a person from the ministry called me and asked me to come and pick up my official grade, 98.5. This was one day before I traveled to Lebanon (AUB) as it was my second plan! Long story short, I went into that office signed the paper (the minister himself) signed the paper. I got my 98.5, and I applied to university. Not only were I accepted, but I was accepted تنافس (competitive program) as I was the person with the highest equivalency in Jordan. After a long struggle with atheism, I accepted Him. I started reading more about him, and I became closer to him (I am not ashamed of the fact that I am a believer). I decided that it was time for some radical changes! I decided that faking things wont cut it, that confidence is the key! I went to university, and gave people a good first impression (I hope). Here I am today, a happy person, with good grades, and quite a few people who love me! I still have some problems with fitting in, but that does not really matter. Many of those I know at university think that I am too مدلع و فافي (mama’s boy), but this is not true (it is mostly because of the way I speak). I speak in an accent that is somehow diluted, but this is how I talk. I am impulsive and sometimes don’t watch the way I speak, which is another problem that I have to conquer. But I am comfortable in my own skin. The journey I took to change myself was not easy at all! It had its ups and downs. I was miserable at times, but I persisted. My desire to live was stronger than my desire to die. And now, that I am a changed man, I can proudly say that pleasing people wont get you anywhere. Trying to fit in wont do you well! What you have to do is expose your true self. Those who do not like you are free to think whatever they want. Those who do like you are your friends. Set some limits with people! Never lose hope in change. If I did it, anybody can and will do it. I was a worthless piece of shit. Now, I am an active member of my community. Community service really helps! Have faith in yourself! You are your own master. Sorry for rambling a lot, but this is me! This is what made me who I am today! This is what shaped me. Now that I have exposed myself a bit more, I hope that people understand me a bit better.
Posted on: Tue, 21 Oct 2014 14:12:38 +0000
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