Im 28.My job forces me to stay half of my life away in the desert, away from home. People here are different, so I have to behave different than who i truly am. Food here isnt well, so I dont eat well. Im dizzy & tired most of the time. Bed sheets arent that clean, and no privacy for my room so Im usually not sleeping well either.Im not good at my job. It has been 4 yrs, and i still cant cope up with my job. I have the dream of changing this, & move to another career where i proved myself im talented. Over the 4 years i tried to market myself in this other career as much as i can, but i have no wasta, so nobody is willing to hire me.People really dont care about talents and ambitions here.Now Im trying to market myself abroad. Another problem is that i suffer a lot of emptiness. i tried as much as i can to get married, thinking that i need support at this stage of my life. I even tried set up dates. At the set up dates, women would really get confused since im kind of good looking, humorous and talkative, and they would usually ask me, why would u end up here for a set up date?. The truth is, i tried every possible way to speed up the process. I ended up into 2 relationships that didnt work well for me. I still didnt recover from my past experiences, and im not ready for anything new but now i suffer more emptiness. I go to random chat sites to talk to strangers. its easy to pick up girls. But ofcourse most of them are not that decent. Neither me at this point of my life. And ofcourse u can imagine what we say on phone. I feel guilty for doing this. Really guilty, because im known to be respectful. Back in college i didnt even care to have a gf. when women would ask me, they wouldnt believe that i never loved someone. My set of mind was far different from who i am right now. i just didnt need love. Now i wish i was more willing back since. Maybe, things would be different for me now. I try to read koran and pray as much as i can. But the real pain is that nothing ever changes. I know things will change eventually. But i just cant stand the emptiness. I need to fill it. I need to talk to someone at night. Mostly here in the desert, there is nothing to do. You watch your life passing by everyday. My body even responds to my depression. I always suffer from some sort of illness. I feel like i have a health of an old man. Im really sad for who ive become, but more sad that no matter how much i try to change things around to the better, nothing ever changes!
Posted on: Wed, 12 Nov 2014 19:35:01 +0000
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