Im a big, strong, confident and mildly (HA) amusing northern woman. Thats what you think of me right? I can be a little bit loud and Im very confident with the people closest to me. Thats probably what you see. Well that to an extent may be the case. But to anyone who spends more than 5 minutes in my company or knows me knows that thats my front. Inside I am a bag of mush. I second guess EVERYTHING, I question myself over every detail. I am constantly worrying what people think of me. Constantly! I read and re-read everything I write before I post it because Im worried itll be taken the wrong way or even make someone think Im an idiot. I even worry about what my best friends think of me and am constantly looking to them for reassurance. Id be devastated if anyone ever felt Id let them down and this is why I go out of my way to try to please people...to such an extent that its often to my own emotional and financial loss. There isnt often a day goes by when I dont get eat up or upset over something. Granted I cry happy tears a lot too but Im usually upset because of something I think Ive done or said or how someones reacted to something. Tell me to grow a pair, Ive said it to myself many times. Its not really that simple. Ive had some awful things happen to me particularly in my younger years which has left me with a lot of pent up emotional baggage and I suspect this is why I am like I am now. Anyway Im getting to the point...a few years ago I started going to see a band. If you know me well you know thats nothing. Theyve now become a large part of my life. Not my entire life but still a massive part of it. Theyre responsible for bringing some of my best friends into my life and for some of the most crazy, ridiculous memories that I absolutely treasure. They make me happy. Ive seen parts of the UK & Europe I probably wouldnt have without them and done things Id only dreamt possible. Im lucky enough to call them friends now and Im ridiculously grateful for everything theyve done for me and my friends. Ill never have any spare money while theyre still around, but hey do what makes you happy right? And thats where I get to my point. Over the past year particularly Ive been the victim of petty jealousy and spite from other people, some I know some I dont. This is a direct result of things Ive done, Ive been given or told or what people think Ive been unfairly given by said band. Theyve made me feel worthless and that I dont deserve the things I do, or get or want. To some people seeing nasty things said about themselves on the internet would be brushed off, but to over thinker extraordinaire here its like a knife to my heart. Im a grown woman who constantly feels like a child again, back to the days of the playground bully that made my life hell all those years ago. Saying things about me that come across as negative especially to the people (mainly person) I look up to and admire above all else has absolutely broken my heart. Unless someone has done something really bad to you or something illegal or immoral if youre saying horrible things about them its because you are jealous. Simple as! Dont fool yourself. Manifesting your jealousy as hateful comments or lies on the internet is bullying. Take a look at yourself for a second...think about what you write on the internet and how it makes you appear. Im not sat here begging for sympathy and Im sure my problems pale in comparison to what many are suffering from. What I am saying is this life is tough enough already, is this really necessary? Id suggest minding your own business! Theres no need for any of it. Please grow up and let me live my life how I want to. Im just a girl that likes a band. Ta x
Posted on: Tue, 19 Aug 2014 07:55:02 +0000