Im actually enjoying this rainy weather were having. Its a good day for inside projects and resting. My new physical barometer is my right shoulder, and today it is sore. Last night it was aching, so just being a little sore is actually an improvement. Thats okay. Its life. And it just means I need to slow down and do more stuff with my left hand. I think my right shoulder has also become my emotional barometer. Yesterday was really a hard day. I had to tag things for the yard sale at the house in Sanford. So many of the things I am selling are things that I got cheaply and fixed or transformed to help create a nest for Patsy and me. It was a hard and surreal day.Last night I realized I had felt like a bird who was taking apart a nest stick by stick. I dont attach to the monetary value of objects. I attach to the story behind the objects. The sentiments. Everything matters to me. Sometimes, too much so. Anyway, many of these items will find a new home, and someone else will be happy to have found a treasure. And I will have some more closure I need. There are still too many threads hanging and its making it difficult for me and for Patsy. We are both ready to move on. But the non-linear path of life means that sometimes you have to backtrack, deal with stuff, and also absorb the lessons. Cant just move forward without learning something about where you have been. Im not the same person I was 12 years ago. Maybe the biggest change is that denial doesnt work for me like it used to. What worksabout denial is that its a good buffer for hard things. I distracted myself a couple years ago from the sad and disappointing ending of my relationship -- even though we continued living together for financial reasons -- by getting involved with another person. It was disastrous and bad and I am still paying a deep emotional price for that. I hurt Patsy badly and I got hurt too. Some might call it karma. I call it hell. So now it is the continuing walk through fire. Patsy is moving on, is definitely better off without me, seems happier now and she has a whole new life. I am figuring out mine. Day by day. Sorting out things, literally and figuratively. Stick by stick.
Posted on: Sat, 05 Jul 2014 11:22:55 +0000
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