Im gonna have a serious moment here, and say whats been on my mind for awhile. Please note, I do not want advice on this matter, but more of a situation that I have to accept may be permanent. Living with chronic pain sucks. No one can truly understand it, until they have lived through it themselves. I remember reading about chronic pain when I was younger, and the cases of people going to extreme lengths (ie, cutting off limbs, and suicide) absolutely crazy. But the truth is, its almost a rational choice. I can empathize with those people. I certainly dont have as much pain that others go through, but it completely changes your life, and lifestyle, and you have no say in the matter. Some days are better, and give you hope. Other days are like swirling in a dark, murky abyss. I have to accept the fact that I cant work full time, and have a social life, and model and dancing at once. Believe me, Ive tried. You end up so tired, and in so much agony every day, that it does make you question what youre doing... Why you put up with this. I have painkillers, and such to take the edge off, but I dont want to be reliant on these, to be able to do what other 24 year old beings can do normally. It scares me. The possibility that this could get worse. And that doubt is ALWAYS on my mind. When Im working, at home, on a night out. At least once a day, I worry about it. Ive tried to change my perspective on this. To try view it as a gift. A way of understanding people better. However, if any thing, that has made me more resentful. When I hear people complain about utterly pointless things, Im jealous. I wish that is all I had to worry about. I also have to accept that I may never be the person I was. Pain and anxiety free. I have to work out who I am, around these. Its about the 3 year mark now, of being in pain everyday. Tomorrow I am 24. I am determined not to make my pain who I am, but sometimes its hard. Trying to see who you are through a dark abyss is impossible. But I will find a way. Ive always been a positive person. I know I have great friends and family, and with out them, I wouldnt have anywhere near the quality of life I have now. I just gotta keep trying to be happy. No matter what may, or may not happen. :)
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 20:13:17 +0000