Im sick of denying receiving what feels like schizotypal attacks amongst legitimate thoughts and feelings Ive been having during a period of astronomically massive creativity/productivity in my artistic and personal lives. I know I have no chance of keeping the negative aspects of this out of my life and the peoples who I care about unless I acknowledge and express this fearlessly to myself on the highest level possible. The balance and honesty Ive needed to have with myself has been the greatest test of my life so far and I can happily say despite the pain of balancing disharmony on many levels Ive seen nothing but progress from it. Ive surrounded myself with amazing friends whove had similar experiences and therefore understand and believe in my ability to harness these energies and as a result have held onto the most intensely psychedelic mind state Ive ever encountered and for an extremely long period of time. With confidence in myself during this state, Ive managed to do things with a sense of purpose and attraction to nothing other than feelings of pure need. In front of trusted loved ones Ive managed to do things such as solve theoretical physics problems which have not been left in trust with the public for the exact reasons of what they entail and how they could be used, as well as freestyle some of the best lyrics Ive ever expressed in both rapping/singing formats as well as freestyle cross-key piano and even play highly technical polyrhythms on drums in a professional context. I did this simply just by trusting that my genetic code or memories contain the information my father has, despite not even playing them as an instrument ever before. Until I see any moral compromise within myself I will not give up or mistrust my intuitive abilities, nor will I give my trust of who I am to anyone despite however I may be tested, and Im confident that proven confidence in myself is the only way through this. Instead of running away, Ive been attempting to understand the polarities of identity which my mind presents itself with in a logical way and their origins as human functions of navigation. As much as were told to mistrust ourselves, and play into the systems hands at any possible opportunity of weakness I honestly believe that information and understanding is the only way forwards. I know this may confront or scare away even the closest people in my life, but thats because theyre too scared to trust the human condition themselves and that never has been and never will be what Im about. From what I can understand and see within myself, the feelings Im receiving are intensely empathic and have been confirmed by friends of mine waking up and calling me about dreams relative to things Im experiencing. Ive also had Ive also noticed a hypersensitivity to information, which is on a deeply logical and moral level and has led me to make some of the best artwork I ever have. However I understand that as long as I can remain composed this can all be harnessed. My sensitivity to fluctuations in soundwaves or peoples voices which Ive previously understood on a musical level to be our natural familiarity patterns has been turned up, as well as my ability to accurately decipher artistic works or personality traits of others. I seem to be stretching my own parameters of identity, which leads to a natural tendency to wish to identify on a personal level with characters Ive been introduced to in my lifetime who sit on extremes which are relative to my feelings. If I only had memory of wild animals, Im sure Id identify with their behavioural and thought patterns but our ability to anthropomorphise other animals has been an evolutionary advantage of ours for a long time. However, Ive been exposed to the outrageous polar religious and political concepts as most of us in the modern day have so my minds attempts to expand itself has resulted in much pain as Im forced to understand the causal functions of these identities. Fortunately my vehement rejection of these as anything more than human functions of control which Ive always understood throughout my life has led to me being able to laugh off everything from intense fear driven desires for suicide which were most likely put in place as evolutionary limits and I feel more confident and in peace with my position in the universe each time I do. These grasps for identity run a risk of expression in an extreme way, but I know who I am and have not broken a single personal moral inclination despite having had challenges to learn from a few things Ive noticed in my own behaviour. Nobody ever doubted my grasp on the human mind on a singular or collective way, and Ive come to understand that is a result of my genetics and internal rhythms being ready to accept and process universal vibrations in a way which Ive previously seen tear peoples minds apart - usually when they succumb to and internal or external fear. Until I see any legitimate dangers within myself which will be easy to see I will continue to never limit myself, especially through any psych who believes their rules in a closed system could be beneficial for any learning process for a human in any way shape or form. I would be significantly less paranoid or unstable had I never at a younger age trusted the pill pushing asswipes who teach us to fear each others mental states and put rules on human behaviour. If were pawns or puppets, I accept the only way to avoid our strings being cut is to maintain composure and see where this takes me without fear. Our genetics as humans are truly amazing, and Ill trust the love of my family and the universes eventual biochemistry before I ever trust a greedy corporate drug dealer with my health. I will not hide from myself any longer in any way, and am more than happy express my shamelessness in trusting my own abilities to survive and heal myself through whatever life throws at me. This rabbit hole has nothing but goods for me.
Posted on: Tue, 03 Jun 2014 02:30:34 +0000
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