Im trying something new. I wrote down my big regrets or screwups and either why I did them or what I learned. Then I wrote down all the negative tapes that play in the back of my mind from things Ive experienced or have been repeatedly told. Then I made them into positive daily affirmations (phil hartman style in some cases). I wasnt very far into my list when I started seeing the pattern. Id known it would be there, I just didnt expect it that strong. Im grateful for the soul searching Ive done, its helped me get to this point. Everyone is probably tired of my ups and downs, but I do appreciate the people that have been there for the kids and I. And even though there are lots of negative people or situations, I can still see the things Ive learned. Some lessons were small and learned quickly. Others have cut so deep that even though the lesson has been learned, it isnt easy to repair and there can be no erasing. Part of it is realizing the life I had, no matter how much I loved it, I can never get back. It is truly gone. Even to catch glimpses of it, will not undo the destruction thats been done. I have to just sigh and be grateful for what it was. It was the essence of purposeful joy and so rare in this world that I do not expect to see it again. And that, no matter what happens in life, cannot be taken from me or corrupted to suit anyone elses assumptions and demands.
Posted on: Sun, 06 Jul 2014 04:37:34 +0000
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