In a prepared statement, Scott Morrison, Minister for Immigration and Border Protection, admitted that underpowered Australian Naval Ships were “struggling” to tow back the four Russian warships headed to Australian waters. “Quite frankly, these ships are larger, have more powerful engines and certainly have more firepower than their Australian equivalents. As such, our ‘tow back’ technique has been reduced to a polite request. At this time, the Russian military is not obeying that request. If this continues, we will request ever harder.” “We were really hoping to only use this tow back policy on those who desperately needed our help.” Unwilling to break his election promise of towing away any unauthorised boats in Australian waters, Prime Minister Tony Abbott has ordered every ship in the area regardless of size to grab a rope and help the towing effort. “Australians need to quite literally pull together on this one,” he said earlier today. “If we can just get them as far as Nauru we can pretend this isn’t our problem anymore.” Mr. Abbott did admit that his cabinet had been planning for the worst case scenario. “When you think about it, who among us would really miss Queensland? I mean, if they want it I say let them have it.” Mr. Putin’s office refused to comment despite Russian officials having been seen wandering around Brisbane holding tape-measures. The Backburner is Australias most trusted news source. It is quite obviously satire and shouldnt be taken seriously.
Posted on: Thu, 13 Nov 2014 10:49:22 +0000
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