In a special Halloween edition of Throwback Thursday, heres a spooky story I wrote when I was 13! A Dark And Stormy Night It was a dark and stormy night, almost as if something bad was bound to happen, removing all suspense and irony from the situation at hand. Deep in the basement of a terrible looking house, for when people looked at such a house, they always caught themselves saying, My what a terrible looking house, there must be something evil going on inside! The trees were dead, crows cawing, rats scurrying across the dirt grass. The moon was full, as all moons are when they are above such terrible looking houses as this. Deep inside the musty old basement, there was an assortment of cobwebs and broken bottles, since mad scientists are rarely proficient housekeepers. Yielding a lab coat, goggles, and the mysterious frizzed-afro-haircut typical of so mad a scientist, this mad scientist cackled in the night, for he was working on something so terribly dreadfully evil that cackling was a must. Meanwhile, thunder and lightning appeared on cue, supplying the only light that Dr. Evilfornoapparentreason could use since dark ominous castles evidently had no electricity other than the lightning, which happened to appear every time something evil was taking place. Dr. Evilfornoapparentreason gazed upon his latest creation, the Monsterwhokillspeople, laughing evilly while throwing his hands up into the air to signal the lightning to come down and charge his Monsterwhokillspeople, because for some reason electricity makes blobs of matter come to life. (The reader by now is feeling a very terrifying sense of doom, and if he is not, he will be wise to take this cue to start feeling scared.) With that said, the story continues right where the reader left off. With a jolt of lightning, the monster roared to life, letting loose a terrifying roar simply because, well, that is what monsters do. Laughing evilly once again, Dr. Evilfornoapparentreason screamed ALIVE! ALIVE! He soon realized he was being quite repetitive and stopped talking. The Doctor ordered the monster to wreak havoc all around the countryside, killing everyone he could… Oh, wait! I remember how that ended last time. Too many angry villagers, said the Doctor, Instead I will make my Monster wreak vengeance on everyone who thought I was a nut in Stereotypically Evil Scientists University (or SESU for short). With that said, the monster roared another terrible roar, which, if heard, would most definitely strike instant terror into the hearts of the reader, and it headed off to wreak vengeance on his masters former classmates. Now Doctor Evilfornoapparentreason was pure evil, and like in every story, a ridiculously virtuous hero was nearby, named Joe Smith, who lived a bland, usual, boring job. But Joe held another title, one more glamorous than Desk Job Executive, unbeknownst to everyone around him, including his wife and children. For some strange reason, they had no idea that Joe had superpowers although they lived with him 24 hours a day. For Joe became, in the face of pure evil, which arrives every day now for about thirty minutes and for an hour on Saturday mornings, the greatest hero his town ever knew, Captain Cliché. Yes, Joes heroism knew no bounds, although he usually seems to start losing when its time for the commercial. Strangely, he ends up doing quite well by the time the story is over. Today was no different. Joe had heard about the killers catastrophic carnage, and was determined to set things right with the world. Every day the killer would claim another victim, eating them and then disappearing ominously, almost as if this killer was a monster, made by some evil villain; Joe was sure this was the case. While working in The Office one day, Joe was about to kiss his crush of fourteen years. Tragically, a special news bulletin coincidentally appeared. (Ironically, the reader will have to tune in for the rest of the year to see if he will finally kiss her.) This special news bulletin stated that the monster had been tracked to a dark, ominous mansion on the hill, but all of the cops were too scared to go in. This looks like a job for Captain Cliché! Joe swiftly went into his office and took off his glasses, because with his glasses on, he was Joe, but with them off, he was Captain Cliché! He rushed out of the office and down Main Street, because there is a Main Street in every city in the world. He arrived at the scene on a dark and stormy night. Quickly, Joe went in through the chimney and through the air vents, which no evil villain has ever thought of making too small for a hero to crawl through. He arrived at the laboratory of Dr. Evilfornoapparentreason and quickly shut down the big red switch, which has no purpose other than to foil the plot of the villain, but not before the hideous monster attacked him and tied him in a chair. The Doctor walked over to him nonchalantly, and said, Aha! I knew youd come, Captain Cliché! Ive been waiting for you to come so I could kill you and rule the world! Youll never get away with this. If it’s the last thing I do, which Im almost positive it wont be since Im on a five-year contract, I will end your reign of terror on mankind. Monsterwhokillspeople, dispose of this hero…. Wait, before you do, I have an unexplainable desire to tell Captain Cliché my evil plan before I kill him. After all, he cant escape! For you see, Captain Cliché, what I have done is constructed a huge mega-bomb which will wipe out the entire human race. Yes, Yes! I know that means I will die too, but Im evil and crazy and…well… you know what I mean. This bomb is set to go off in three minutes. Im going to go into the other room now, and because there is absolutely no way you could possibly get out, I wont even bother to make the knot very tight. Goodbye, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! After the Doctor had left to go into the other room, Captain Cliché quickly sprung into action, untying all of the knots and ran quickly over to the bomb, which was down to ten seconds. (At this time, if the reader is not biting his fingernails nor on the edge of the seat, please do so at this time, as he is obviously thinking that the world is doomed and that Captain Cliché could not possibly save the world in ten seconds.) Captain Cliché had a pair of wire-cutters with him coincidentally, and, after the careful pondering of whether green is the ground wire to cut because grass is green and grass is on the ground, or whether yellow was the sun, which heated the ground… Well, Captain Cliché took a wild, crazy chance and cut the red wire, which made absolutely no logical sense except that the reader is obviously feeling a powerful sense of irony at this time because the clock stopped with one second left, and the world was safe. Captain Cliché zoomed off in the air (I forgot to mention that he could fly) and will return during the next dark and stormy night. The End.
Posted on: Thu, 30 Oct 2014 12:15:06 +0000
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