In looking back, Id like to think that Ive made it through these 45 years mostly successfully. Ive achieved things that some people think are pretty cool. Ive always made an effort to support others and to treat people fairly. Like everyone else, I feel strongly about certain things and can talk and act passionately in order to instigate change. Ive witnessed a shift in society as they walked through my classroom door, and I continue to observe- oftentimes in awe and a sometimes misplaced sense of wanting to help-the human struggle. In a particular sense, I feel somewhat unplugged from the world because I dont follow the news. However, the rare times that Ive picked up a newspaper or caught the evening broadcast in the past 20 years, I shake my head. I dont believe that there is anything there that can give me an adequate reason as to why things are showing up as they are. Most of my kids have a hard time emotionally and physically, and some days I dont feel theres much I can do to relieve any of their suffering (and yes I know that it may not be my job to lessen their struggles, however if we werent to affect each others lives, why would our paths cross?). This makes me feel inadequate, as a person who was born, due to the alignment of the cosmos, to help and care for others and derive great joy from doing so. It is not in my emotional or mental, or even chemical, makeup to put myself before others, yet this seems to be a prevalent characteristic in this current society, which makes me feel even more different from my neighbors (figuratively speaking). I look inside myself, and feel I have exhausted all resources I have, and still Im unable to get off the hamster wheel. If I had the answers, Id do something different, be able to say something that clicks with a kid and helps them to make some change or some sense of some thing in their lives, or my own. In lieu of anything that I can alter at the moment, I rely on my training as a student of yoga which offers me techniques to release the (self-created) misery in my life: 1) letting go of wanting things to show up a particular way, including people (not) sticking to their commitments, 2) recognizing how others actions affect my thoughts and behavior and choosing to respond in a way that allows me to remain in (or as close to as I can) that sense of peace inside, and 3) accepting of myself and others without judgment or criticisms. All of this allows a sense of contentment to prevail, as I continue to practice letting everything be how it is: cancelations, unknown income, seeming lack of career direction, lame horse, health concerns, stalling of dreams, intermittent creativity, fear, falling in love (with myself, with others, with life). Memories of past bludgeonings by life keep me hyper-vigilant to sudden directional changes in my journey, every part of my body reaching out like antennas to receive messages from the ether. I dont predict that circumstances will miraculously change to fit my view, but rather Ill continue to have ample opportunities to alter my perspective, dance with my fears, embrace my emotions (even if they arent understood or reciprocated by others), and observe the changes in society and the lessons it might offer.
Posted on: Wed, 05 Mar 2014 07:23:19 +0000
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