In my previous facebook post (21st Jan) I wrote about my reaction to being faced with an empty wardrobe after two of Rosies friends graciously sorted out her clothes on my behalf. Shortly after I received a thoughtful message from a caring friend expressing concern that maybe I was suppressing my grief over losing Rosie, and thereby risked possible negative consequences in future, instead of allowing time for the grief to ‘sit there’ so I could face it and deal with it in a healthy way. The question got me thinking about the very valid question my friend had raised. I sent her a reply the gist of which follows… “Dear xxxx, I valued the message you sent last night because I know you care a lot about how I’m doing. I think it’s important to see sorting Rosie’s clothes and rearranging our wardrobe in the bigger context of me living in a house full of Rosie’s items that frequently prompt a sense of grief. Rosie’s clothes were one part of a whole series of her belongings that I will need to progressively sort over time. What I’m learning at this time is that grief feelings are never far away and are fully to be expected at this stage. Whenever I feel this grief it is good and right to let myself to simply sit with the feelings and let them be what they are, as this is the first step to dealing with them. On the other hand it is essential for me to recognize that while the sadness of losing Rosie will rightly remain with me in some form for the rest of my days, my life does not have to be controlled or overcome by grief. When the grief tears at my spirit, rather than suppressing it or running away from it, the challenge for me is to integrate my grief in a healthy way into the new ‘me’ and the new life that is opening up in front of me. For sure my immediate reaction of wanting to fill the empty space in the wardrobe by spreading my clothes into the empty compartments was a pain avoidance reaction. However I think this is also a very normal reaction and part of the survival mechanism built into all of us. However, as I did this I became aware that a more healthy way to handle the pain was to see the positives aspects of my actions alongside the grief. Doing this did ease the grief somewhat but did not suppress it... I dont think I would have been capable of this. The end result was a new, more functional wardrobe arrangement that I am happy to look at, however the awareness that the wardrobe no longer contains Rosie’s clothes is still very much there. The difference is that when I look at the wardrobe a positive perspective now sits alongside the grief and provides a healthy balance and gives me a way to move forward… this is what I mean by integrating the grief in a healthy way into my new life. I hope this helps to better explain what was happening for me and relieves some of your concern.”
Posted on: Sun, 25 Jan 2015 00:00:53 +0000
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