In the mood for chocolate, I decide to take a pit-stop on my walking break from photo editing at the university union to grab some chocolate out of a vending machine. I walk into the union and look for the trusty ol vending machines...but they have moved. No big, no big, Ill just walk and search. I think. So I do. 10 minutes later, I have found them with their shiny fluorescent lighting and shiny blue plastic-wrapped Oreos. I have my crispy 1 dollar bill all ready to shove into that machine so it can give me my chocolate. Before I even get to the machine, Im smoothing out the dollar bill, anticipating the nom noms Im gonna do when I get that chocolate. When I get to the machine, I start slowly and v v carefully sliding the dollar bill into the dollar bill eater. Im just staring at the Oreos. But wait...the dollar bill eater doesnt make a sound. It does not want to eat my dollar. Okay okay dont panic I think, looking around for some quarters. I dont have quarters. I try again to shove the $1 in the dollar eater slot, to no avail. All I need is some quarters. I walk to the front desk of the Union, a few flights of stairs away from the vending machine which holds the key to all happiness. I get to the front desk and ask for some change for a $1 bill. Umm we dont do that here, he says. Go to the rec center. Rec center where I can barely say as my Neanderthal inner being has taken me over and all I truly know how to do from this point on is think about chocolate. He points to a hallway and says to walk up or down some stairs, I cant remember, I was already on my way sprinting through the hall. I found the stairs. I went up. And then down. And then I heard it....It was Fergie. My instincts tell me that something having to do with a rec center is v v near to me now. I see the entrance, and walk in and find the front counter. Panting, I ask for quarters. Front counter girl of Fergie rec center looks at me in disgust. Um, no. No quarters here at all. But theres a quarter machine over there- and she points with her angry face and angry finer into a dark hallway. I disobey my mothers teachings and decide not to say thank you to disgusted-face-front-counter-Fergie-rec-center girl. I just run. Ive made it. The answer to everything is right in front of me, in this dark hallway created solely for the housing of this happiness-creating quarter machine. I put in my $1 bill. I get 4 quarters. Im still a Neanderthal at this point, but I somehow remember exactly where the vending machine is. I run. I sprint. I hurdle over small college freshman. I make it. To the vending machine. Laughing at the machine, I say hahahahahahahaha ....and you thought you werent gonna give me my Oreos. It doesnt say anything back. I start. One quarter in. 2 quarters. All 4 quarters in this silent machine, right below the little vending machine marquee that says YOU HUNGRY I say to it: yes, happiness maker - I hungry. I press the buttons. 124 to get the Oreos. $.80. It freezes. Thats fine, whatever, sometimes vending machines as slow as crap. Whatever. Whatev. I wait. And wait. And people are now standing behind me, looking at me as though I dont know what Im waiting for. Oh people, I know what Im waiting for. I wait with people some more. Eventually a single tear rolls down my face. One of two child-sized college freshman boys asks if he can go yet. I explain to the two child-sized college freshman that I am waiting for my Oreos. I whimper. I growl. They are starting to show fear in their eyes. Out of nowhere, like a sign from big baby J, I see a sign that says: Problems with this vending machine? Call 1-800-fix-the-happiness-machine, so I obviously called it. Hello? Hi. Yes. This vending machine has my money. And my Oreos. And my happiness. Oh, okay. Can you come back tomorrow? Um...WHAT. No, I dont live here, I am taking a flight back to my homeland, back to Egypt, tonight, right after I leave this union with my blue shiny plastic packet of Oreos. I mean, maybe theyll be gone before I leave, but you know, I just cant come back tomorrow. Oh... He pauses. He tries to hide his laugh, but he is not successful. He is laughing. Laughing at me for not having Oreos. I decide he is most likely the Devil and I hang up. The little boys next to me are crying. They just want their chocolate, too. Thats all they want. They whimper. They le sigh. They throw 4 quarters at me and tell me to get my chocolate somewhere else (it was really nice of these two tiny humans to do this). I smile and cry at the same time. You are very nice, tiny humans, I appreciate this gesture but I just want my chocolate right now and you can take these quarters back, tiny humans. Good luck they say, and they start walking away. Tiny humans, youre just going to leave me here like this?? I cry. I look back at the machine. I look at it for at least 3 minutes. Then i decide to give up. I then smack my forehead in defeat against the plastic forcefield which separates me from hours of happiness wrapped in shiny blue plastic. I start to walk away. I start to do a walking meditation...Self control...practice self control Then I hear it. Thump. I stop. I turn my left ear in the direction of the machine. Thump. Thump again. And thump again. I mean, hot damn. I take off back in the direction of the vending machine like Im an Olympic sprinter (I am, obviously). I shove my hand into the miniature swinging door portal in which lies all the happiness. And I grab something. Its in a plastic bag. Omgz my Oreos,I think to myself. Its them. Its my Oreos, my happiness. Its actually three packages of Oreos in which a sugar coma lies within. Which brings me to this..... Goodbye---farewell humans, large and tiny. I go into this sugar coma willingly and without pause. Be well. And always remember..... self control
Posted on: Sat, 08 Nov 2014 23:10:51 +0000
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