Interesting place my mind has decided to take me this morning. Going to apologize right now, as the thought that just rolled through between my ears was not to jump back to work (although eventually I will get to it), no, the thought was to take a stab at the list. I dust it off from time to time, and yes it sits here in glorified virtual pixels and bytes. It started off as nothing more than a running joke between a good friend and I...that classic conversation of when the winning numbers finally come in weve to do X.... You all know this conversation right? It became something more of a bucket list over time, still looking at life as if there would always be a tomorrow and time was eternal...but still, I began to realize slowly that my prioritized had changed, drastically. Some things I put on that list when I started it here were no longer of any true value to me, and should never have made their way on to such a list of things that encapsulated a persons sum list of what they wanted out of life....like I said, my apologies upfront. Not because these are the types of days I find myself having more and more, but rather because I know that after I get done retyping this list again (it has become some form of mental checklist for me, a means of balancing my internal sanity if you will) that someone is, as always happens, send me a message to check on me, feel obligated to try and cheer me up, and end up making me feel like crap for their day now being darkness by what they mistook as a sadness in my posting. With so many people living in here posting nonstop everyday, every minute trying desperately to get attention to validate their existence that it is easy to assume that everyone else is doing exactly the same thing. That every post that appears to be a plea for attention and response must be just that. Heres the problem with that, I loved talking with folks. Truly. Not in a pompous manner, not that I loved to hear the sound of my own voice, no, I loved to partake of the moving powerful of actual conversation with other people. I miss it far more than I let on I imagine. I spend a great of time in here typing away my thoughts about the universe and life itself because I miss talking. Not that I cant talk, I communicate fairly well all things considered. But there are far more times than I would like to admit to that I am saying the wrong words, or even just plain gibberish, or the times that I hate and get so damned frustrated more than any other time when words refuse to come to mind no matter how hard I try....words that I know I know, have known them since I was a child for craps sake, but the connections to them are gone.....gone enough that no matter what tricks I find to reattach to these terms and words are so hidden from my thoughts that all I am left with is the vague sense of loss and anger for that loss. Have you ever found yourself stuck with a word on the end of your tongue? Come on, we all have right? How do we as a learned people find the word or term? We go to the words that led us their, or thoughts that remind us of similar words, sometimes visualizing the word in our mind, or talk out a story about that one time when you and X were doing X with.....ding, mental lightbulb goes off, tada, you got the word you were looking for, day continues.....yeah, not so much. Cant visualize most of the time anymore. Cant find words to attach to the thought process that was taking to the word I have slammed into like a brickwall that refuses to allow me access.....and no matter how hard I try to get to the words I need I end up more and more often unable to even try to continue talking about something as my brain simply refuses to allow to convey the thought process. Which takes up back to these extremely long posts.....I type far better than I ever talk these days. Those who deal with me on a regular basis tell me I am understandable, that yes, there are issues, but it is not as bad as I think it is sometimes....maybe they are right, or perhaps they have spent enough time interpreting me that they can now add a new language skill to their resumes, Joshisms perhaps? Regardless of whether I can stumble through a vocal conversation or not I always feel like it takes three times as long as it should, or could...and a great deal of the joy of it is gone for me. I hate the sound of my own voice some times. To hear my stumbling and struggling for words, trying to sound like I am intelligent enough to be involved in whatever the conversations point of topic is. Hate. So, I talk here. Mainly knowing I am doing it as a silent conversation with no one other than myself. But at least when I am typing here I can hear my own voice, it still sounds strong and confident in my own capacity to convey intelligent thought and idea. And rarely do I end up feeling those thoughts and emotions of self doubt and loathing that tend to follow an attempt to vocally talk with people when I am having a difficult time forming full thoughts and words. So why do I post these things huh? Why not just click delete after done typing? Isnt the very act of posting the very silent plea for attention??? If that is where we have gotten to, and you are still reading this and find yourself wondering that very thought then you missed the entire point of this. Not posting this would in the end be giving in, and giving up, to still feeling like my voice can be heard.
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 16:38:21 +0000
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