It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Bill Brasky, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly frustrated, Bill Brasky backhanded a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved Party hat was missing! Immediately he called his former lay, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were striking ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... abrasive. Bill Brasky called him anyway, for the situation was urgent. Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very unctuous Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies panic before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually explosively sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because he had snuck out from Bill Braskys with the Party hat only six days prior. It was a enchanting little Party hat... how could he resist? It didnt take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: his Party hat. Leroy Jenkins turned red. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him theyd find the Party hat. Bill Brasky grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Party hat and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Bill Brasky took the tricycle, he had take at least eight minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be scarcely screwed. Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by six abrasive Iguanas that were lured by his Party hat. Leroy Jenkins belched; Not again, he thought. Feeling puzzled, he randomly reached for his carrot and recklessly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. Thats when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky. ----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Bill Brasky was out of the Segway and went exotically jaunting toward Leroy Jenkinss front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Party hat into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Leroy Jenkins was exasperated but at least the Party hat was concealed. The doorbell rang. Come in, Leroy Jenkins indiscriminately purred. With a skillful push, Bill Brasky opened the door. Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive genocidal maniac in a amphibious vehicle, he lied. Its fine, Leroy Jenkins assured him. Bill Brasky took a seat exotically proximate to where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the Party hat. Leroy Jenkins cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. Uhh, can I get you anything? he blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Leroy Jenkins noticed a stupid look on Bill Braskys face. Bill Brasky slowly opened his mouth to speak. ...Whats that smell? Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Bill Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Party hat right by his oscillating fan. Wh-what? I dont smell anything..! A lie. A stupid look started to form on Bill Braskys face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. Th-th-those are just my grandmas wolverines from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped em by here earlier. Bill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Party hat was plainly in view. Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what mustve been eight seconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Leroy Jenkins groped charismatically in Bill Braskys direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the Party hat and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a sassy chuckle. If only you hadnt been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky, he rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little oafish, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his Party hat tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know. Silence from Bill Brasky. And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends! Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. Oh. You ..okay? Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone. ----o0o---- Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Leroy Jenkinss place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Iguanas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Party hat. One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from his injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Iguanas running off with his Party hat. About seven hours later, Bill Brasky awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and Bill Brasky did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious bush, Bill Brasky was really lost. Before anyone could take off their pants, he remembered that his Party hat was taken by the Iguanas. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. Thats when, to his horror, a enlarged Iguana emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha Iguana. Bill Brasky opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Iguana sunk its teeth into Bill Braskys taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bill Braskys lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than eleven miles away, Leroy Jenkins was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Party hat. MY PRECIOUS!! he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a hasty thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Bill Brasky... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Party hat that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawns reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Iguanas, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes wouldve lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :( Alex Carswell Josh Bode Effy Stonem
Posted on: Fri, 23 Jan 2015 08:33:10 +0000
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