It has been brought to my attention that a number of people were outside the chapel and unable to hear most (if not all) of the service. For that I apologize- the funeral home had told us that people outside would be able to hear just fine. Here is the text of the speech that my lovely wife, Cecilia, gave during the service: ----------------------------------------------- I believe in God. Some time in either late 1994 or early 1995 I started saying a prayer as part of that belief. I said the prayer every day, all day long whenever I even vaguely thought about it. This was my prayer: “Create in me a pure and humble heart that I may know God and walk in his will and follow his ways.” I didn’t expect God to take me literally. I found out I was pregnant and I laughed at God’s sense of humor. The child I was pregnant with, was my son Benjamin. I decided to keep saying the prayer every day, all day for the entire 9 months. When Benjamin was born. He had silver white hair and he looked like an angel. My son died on August 25th 2014 because it was the day he was supposed to start college at the University of Texas at Dallas. The day before, Sunday morning August 24th Benjamin came to breakfast with me, his dad and his sister Freda. Every Sunday, whoever in the family was up could come to Denny’s for breakfast. Benjamin always went, while the others sometimes slept in. My friend and waitress Becky served us and we had fun like we always do. Jeremy went on to our comic book store, some things are so much easier to do while the store is closed on Sunday. I drove the kids back to the house. Like every Sunday, I watched a couple of episodes of Japanese Anime with Benjamin. It was our habit after breakfast to spend an hour and half or more each Sunday morning watching something together. We also did this two or more other times during the week. He and I spent maybe 20 hours a week, that way. We would discuss things, make jokes (because he loved humor), eat, hug and almost every time have the following discussion: (One of us would start by saying…) “I love you.” “I love you more.” “I love you most.” “I love you more than most.” “I love you most of most” “I love you more than that.” “I love you more than more than that.” “I love you most of all.” “I love you more than you can imagine.” “I love you more than anyone can imagine.” “I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone.” “I love you more than that.” “I love you more than the universe.” “I love you more than eternity.” “If you took your entire capability to love and doubled it, you would still not reach how much I love you.” “No, I love you more.” The words each time would be very similar to what I just mentioned at the start. The words at the end would change each time but it would always end up with hugs and giggles. We generally hugged and said we loved each other both morning, night and whenever one of us came or went from the house. If we both were home then randomly just because it had been a while. If one of us tried to leave without doing that, the other would rush out the door or before the other could go out the door and say “I see how it is.” This was my life with my son Benjamin. He had blonde facial hair and didn’t particularly like to shave. He would forget sometimes to take out the trash. He did well in school but didn’t particularly like going. He always loved his Spanish class and especially his Animation classes. Those teachers were near and dear to his heart. It wasn’t unusual for Benjamin to be a full month ahead of the current classwork in Animation. He also liked history and some science but he felt that a lot of the rest of school was a terrible waste of time an energy for the tiniest of value towards what really matters in life. It was not that he didn’t want to learn. He did. He wanted to learn about life and how things work, how things happen, why things did what they did, more than anything. If he found something online that did explain something about the world he would come get one or more of us and we would watch it together with him. He was great at finding really good entertainment, stories with people who perhaps quirky situations or strange habits but always good character. Characters who really believed in others and stuck by them no matter what the circumstance. In that vein he inspired all of us in the house to watch the episodes of the last three doctors of the Doctor Who series. He and I were trying to do the incredibly difficult task of catching up on the long running Anime series of One-Piece and Detective Conan each with over 600 episodes. We also watched a lot of things with social commentary, like in the Walking Dead. It is why, that even though UTD probably has the best animation program of any university in Texas, that Benjamin did not sign up for Animation as his major. He signed up for psychology. Still, during orientation he texted me that he wasn’t sure that he could do this … meaning college. He came home and said he didn’t want to go. I asked him to just give it a try. If he hated it after a year then we would figure something else out. Several times this last week when I would ask for him to do something for me, he would say something like “If I do that, can I get out of college? He didn’t sound desperate. It was maybe a joke. We didn’t fight. I just asked him to try it for a little while. Years ago when I was his age, I had been terribly frightened of going to college. I ended up going and loved it. I had hoped it would be the same for him. Our most common discussion was about his frustration over how people were willing to hurt others around them. I think he worried that he would spend 4 or more years trying to conform to standards of people who were generally callous toward others. Benjamin didn’t want that to be his path and he didn’t want to say no to us. So he took a route that accomplished both. My son had an incredibly tender heart. If you hurt, he suffered with you. Benjamin had no enemies. To my knowledge, there is not anyone who he was at odds with. If a relationship got strained he always worked and struggled to repair it. I don’t really know hardly anyone who succeeds at that, but he seemed to. A few years ago when he recognized his feelings of wanting to end things, he came and told us. That by itself was unusual for a teenager to do. We looked for help. The psychiatrist who asked him many questions about his life and relationships ended up afterwards saying… I don’t see anything in your life driving these feelings. We wondered about a chemical imbalance but ended not choosing to take anti-depressants because for young people it is just as likely to make it worse as better. Things got better anyway. His grades excelled. His expressions and mannerisms were good or happy. So if you are out there asking yourself… why didn’t I see it? The only thing there was to see was what there always was. A sensitive heart and a deep sense of emotion and insight. He just recently got a raise from his work at Madness Games and Comics. Benjamin’s father, my husband, who has always had a high standard of expectation from his workers, was being more and more impressed with Benjamin’s work. He had just given Ben his 2nd raise. We gave him his own key to the store and a passcode so he could close if needed. He loved his work and never complained about going. Ben had really good friends that he had known, some since he was 3 years old that he spent time with online plus in person every week. The last time I saw him he was on the couch in the front room rough housing with his youngest sister Freda. They were laughing and being so loud I came out to tell them to hush up and that they had school tomorrow so they should go to bed. His life was not sitting around and being depressed. I do think he felt somewhat isolated because he recognized that he felt more deeply than others around him; but he loved his family, his friends, the people in his life and his work. He loved humor. He loved making people smile or laugh. So if any of you out there feel guilty wondering if you there was more that could have been done… please don’t. There is no amount of shoulda, woulda, coulda that changes what happened. In fact I think it is because of how wonderful all of the people here around him are, that he made it this long. I think he might have died at a much younger age had he been in another family or without his precious friends and people in his life that gave him strength to go on. Thank you, for that support. If you have something precious that is fragile, then no matter how careful you are, sometimes the table is jarred enough that it can break. I don’t think the stressor had to be school and I don’t think that just because he got past that day it would have meant he was out of the woods. He was always sensitive. I think it was a struggle for him because of how deeply he felt and cared, probably every day of his life. Still, he lived, really lived. He loved and enjoyed those around him. His life wasn’t wasted. It was beautiful. I wouldn’t have wanted him to be other than the person he was. I am proud of the brave man my son was to hold out for so long. He gave me a precious gift of 18 years of his life. I consider myself lucky for every moment I had with him. Once upon a time Benjamin and I shared the same blood. We ate the same food. We felt the same beat and flow of the heart. We were one person. So I think I have the right to say what I think he would say if he could right now… “Please, don’t let me be your wound. Forgive me if I hurt you. Know that you are dear to me and I love you. Please have good lives. Be good to those around you and whenever you can as often as you can, try to find something to smile and laugh about. Thank you.”
Posted on: Sun, 31 Aug 2014 04:18:28 +0000