It is 3:21am. There are good days and bad days, and some of them collide together. Somewhere in our lives we wake up and want to make changes, some are good and some are bad. I have had those days and made choices. At this moment in my life i can say i was a terrible wife, making huge mistakes and terrible choices. I can also say that i worked a lot harder at being a good mom when i was a single parent. I dont know, maybe i was able to work out consequences of bad actions with out the unknown factor of how hubby would react or support my choices. As i lay awake, unable to sleep because of something that happened at church, i realize that my life sort of falls into four quadrants. There was young versus older mom, two boys in my teens and one in my 30s...huge differences. Then there were the marriage stages. I married Ed twice. First time shame on him, second time shame on me. What can i say other than Loren needed to be born. Life also has two different eras, before Christian and after church. For many years going to church as family had little more meaning than as a group we got into the car and fought all the way to the church. Got out of the car and put on a holy face, a united holy face and stepped in. Then the moment we left out came the boxing gloves and we fought our way home. Sin is something that was a common discussion in my penticostal charismatic church times. There came a time when a mistake stopped being a mistake and became a sin, identified and necessary to give up. Then i became a Mormon and new phrase was thrown into the mix. After the mistake, identity of the sin and giving up the sin, there came atonement. Our first marriage, i knew little other than to be a bully and to intimidate my two beautiful sons into behaving, using any means possible. Im grateful that on my second time around, i had learned coping skills and wasnt quite the bully. So i faced battering my kids yesterday in marriage class. Stood up and owned up to the sin. Now comes the sleepless night. I have identified this sin in the past, gone before God, owned up to it. laid down in front of the cross and pleaded the atonement. I have gone to my children and begged their forgiveness......so why was i back into the pits of hell? Then in my prayer time as i am whining before my God to forgive me, i hear this wee voice...........that has been done, what hasnt been done is forgiving myself. Whoa, that is so true. I love my children, they know that. I love my church, they also know that. Of course God knows i love him, and so does Jesus, so what is so hard about loving ourselves? Maybe a good first step is learning to forgive myself. I wonder if i can sleep now?
Posted on: Mon, 17 Mar 2014 11:43:42 +0000
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