It is friday night, and i fell as though i have earned my weekend. My wallet disagrees. It is strange these hoops life puts forth, and the treats it teases, just out of reach. Flowers that exist to be seen but never touched by the murky mechanics hands. As i know, well as i hope there will be a tommorow, and a next week the urgency of now lacks that burden of lost joy, if today were the last day to be had. So i sit. Impatiently. Grind my teeth at the world. The world that rolls on past on greased wheels, with no brakes. My turmoil and stiffled spirit i am sure is not isolated to this closed chamber. As i ask, quietly beg for help, i feel my prior assistances lack of pull whilst speaking of the now. This generation, and its complete lack of attention span i am void of siprise or contempt. But not complaint. These words i speak, so bland but pungent, will disperse to the electronic winds, and disipate amongst the laughter and joyous photos that surround my whispers of thought. These wheels sent spinning, without forward motion, and calories burned without prize to show, slowly i feel defeated, disregarded as a bush amongst flowers. Of such little consequence, my words change direction not. This lack luster whine to a world uncaring is fruitless as expected. Not but a few shall hear my words of contempt, or feel the anticipated poke at the fat and selfish soceity as it devours the weak. What it is we are are here, what it is we might think, you probably follow, for fear of the darkeness and solitary confinement of reflection. As i sit trapped, shackeld to this complex cycle of my nown internal struggle. I wish for distractions, and multi tasks to distract from this introspective mind. I receive nothing. This not my first night to sit alone at home, with my own problems surrounding, as i watch the world dance with glee as they disregard theirs. For some that distraction bandaids the hemerage of a life unfulfilled. As for me somedays the wounds are too deep, and the questions too many. I hear this word deal, as though the advice comes from the experienced. I feel only a blind man can walk through this fire without hesitation. I refuse to follow the blind. This conversation, just one of many burdening my mind as i try to seperate facts from fictions, nd kick my long lost motivations to participate in such blessed public distractions. My foot, though strong from years of carrying loads, barefoot walking through streets of glass, is not a weapon of purpose. Cannot crank this stagnent thought into one of prosperity and joy. It is but a foot. Metephorically the foot i am really refering is powered by the same wall it is trying to tumble. The two sides fight within, as all the other internal voices scream obseneties or disregard. This i doubt is a night i will win. Tonight i must be satisfied with loss. Tommorrow holds the promise of success, though i know it shall provide but the same lost opportunities that i currently miss. I do not expect understanding. I have lost hope in the herded masses long ago. I know my only victory shall come with a reboot of system, and installation of new hardware to my outdated and misplaced complicated spirit. So early in this night. Yet so late in the day. Deeply i growl at the childish weakness i murmor. But the wolf inside me, long since domesticated quiets easily when the sheep stands upright and points at my small herd. The wolfe knows his purpose. It is not to knaw at his own leg. So the wolf, the fire lies dormant. So serious am i, it hurts to smile. I sneak a grin past the disssapointment, to satisfy the few eyes that look,then quickly return to the depths of unanswerable questions. I cannot turn off my light, the suns rays hit me directly as i cannot ignore what i see. Unrelated, notes and letters keep appearing from lovers past. To torment me and my failures. I do not regret. I am just reminded how different it is to be an island. Notes and letter i havnt ever read. Pleads from woman who loved me that fell upon deaf ears. My issues......soo many issues. I am turning off this light now. I will lay in silence and ignore this world and her sweet smells and smiling faces. Return to that endless void of philosophy i have spent most my years. It is not a place of comfort. Equally, not a place of discomfort. Just some space for my numerous thoughts to bounce and richochet. As not to offend the thin skinned, or further my own isolation. Such a useless rant. Back to the cosmos go i, to mingle with the stars, where the faint whispers of philospohers past shall question, and maybe guide my hand back twards that blesseed light of happiness. So simple for some.........as for me well. Nothing has ever been simple.
Posted on: Sat, 25 Jan 2014 03:39:11 +0000
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