It is no secret that your dad was not fond of Merced or the Central Valley. I found it scary, depressing, and disgusting. I’m hardly alone by the way, and we need not tarry on the obvious reasons many (most?!) people feel that way. This is not rocket science or outlandish sacrilege—I hope. We hit town with a large rental truck full of our household belongings in 100-degree-plus heat burdened with high pollution, and that was a damn awakening. Mickey and I unloaded everything posthaste to the point of exhaustion. The heat was oppressive and dangerous particularly since I’d had battles with sunstrokes before (as a farrier) and was thus more prone to them. I went through 5 t-shirts soaked with sweat; I had to wear one or the boxes and so forth would slip even more on bare skin. The intolerance of divergent thought, high levels of violence and despair, few cultural options, dominance of religious fundamentalism, unaccountable elite, limited work prospects for all and more were also very disconcerting. I had long envisioned a community considerably more salubrious, or decent, for you guys to grow in. Yet here we were, and I was adapting. I was getting connected out at the UC, in on-line learning through Cornell University, and elsewhere. I coached “Christ-centered” b-ball because I love the game, wanted to work with you, and the other kids and their parents. Sure Jesus was a good guy, but that was incidental to me. Selling Christianity wasn’t in my playbook (is this also sacrilege?). We took trips out of town. Periodically I’d get frustrated and think about moving with you, with your consent. There are, after all, wonderful places out there. When your mom and I got divorced, and she was firmly entrenched in her position, a long move became untenable. As you recall, I did talk with you about your feelings about staying in Merced, me spending time away to secure better work, or a perhaps place out of town. Recently I entertained the possibility of living in the foothills, a quieter community nearby, or on a ranch. By the way, a couple of your teachers do, or did, this. This seemed reasonable, if only to get away from incessant trains and other noise. By the way, I had recently proposed to the city council and other “movers” establishing a “quiet zone” in Merced where train horns were prohibited from blaring 24/7. Many other communities in California have done this at nominal cost and effort. I did loads of research and wrote it up. The only encouragement I got was from Bill Blake. Merced. And, as you should recall, I’d occasionally talk with you about my feelings. Just as we would talk about so many other things that might have mattered. Talk. Good talks. Loads of talks. To the point Little Fella would insist on it one minute and get on me the next for “being as chatty as a woman.” Stories. Anecdotes. Thoughts. Laughs. Communication. Openness. Delight. To me, talking with you about your concerns and such was part and parcel of being a good dad. I didn’t give this much thought or analysis though. It came naturally: that talking with my boys was a normative, uncontroversial good. That said guys, I never “threatened repeatedly to move out of town” as some allege. I never packed my bags. Never chose a destination, Never. I did, I’m sure you remember, tell you I was seriously thinking about moving once you graduated from high school. And I told you that if that was the case I certainly wouldn’t be falling off the face of the earth and would always be available for you. And, I figured, you wouldn’t be long to cut a trail from Merced after high school either. For obvious reasons. So, again, why has this portion of history become so bitterly misrepresented as well? Is a dad talking with his kids a “threat”? Are dad’s thoughts a “threat”? If so, to whom would that be? And why? And should your dad be cast as “unstable” and “erratic” for it? If that’s the case, we live in an extremely screwed-up world. Again, I never “threatened repeatedly to move out of town.” That’s extremely abusive bullshit. Thoughtfully, and always my love, dad.
Posted on: Mon, 24 Jun 2013 21:05:44 +0000
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