It was Christmas time, I was 4 or 5 years old. I lived with my Grandparents who had been raising me since I was a baby. I was feeling very alone and deeply concerned for my future. I use to listen to music to self soothe (I still do) and I was listening to Elvis Presleys Blue Christmas, tears streaming down my face while singing into a hairbrush and missing my Dad so badly I could barely breathe. I had zero recollection of my biological mother at that time. My Dad was all I wanted for Christmas that year. The other night I was listening to holiday music and Blue Christmas started playing. Mind you, Ive listened to this song a hundred times since I was a little girl, but when I heard it the other night, it triggered an immediate uncontrollable breakdown. I could not stop the tears. There I was at 41, feeling exactly like the little girl who wondered what the hell was going to happen to her...in that moment, nothing had changed. Im not going to lie, sometimes I wish that someone else would take over protecting that little girl for me...Ive been doing it for so long and Im tired. I want to exhale. That is what I really wanted from marriage - a safe space where I could be real and vulnerable and stop tracking each moment preparing for the other shoe to drop. Maybe that sounds weak - but as an ex-boyfriend once said to me: Chelli, you have strength in spades - why dont you try letting yourself be soft for awhile? So this is me soft. Finally. Love, Light & Vulnerability ~Chelli
Posted on: Mon, 08 Dec 2014 05:02:57 +0000
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