Its alot easier to STAY clean than it is to get clean again. Ive heard this in the rooms alot, and it makes sense, but i dont think it really registered until the last few weeks. I was released from prison back in March, landed at a recovery-based halfway house, got into my recovery, became a house director, found a beautiful girl to call my own, got a job 5 days out of prison and started rebuilding my life. Things were going well. But then a series of events led me to making the choice to relaps. It wasnt just one thing in particular, it was a process. My disease is alive and well and all it took was one piss-poor decision to wake it up and it took over. Everyone is hearing about the heroin going around right now that is killing people. I hear about someone dying everyday. 37 people died at Manatee Memorial Hospital last month, and that is just one hospital. The first bag i did in my 2 month long run killed me too. I was dead for 8 minutes. The paramedics gave me a shot of Narcan in the ambulance and i came back. All these other people are dead and i came back, and it still took me almost 2 months to understand how blessed i am. I still continued to use. This disease wants us dead, and if not arrested, it will succeed. Please understand, i am not bragging or proud of what happened. I am sharing this in hopes that someone will read it and gain hope. I recognize now the miracle that happened. I know now that i am truly blessed and God has a plan for me. It was a horrible way to learn the lessons i had to learn, but i do see the good that came from what i did. I used to struggle with understanding why people would relapse. In the program, they say empathy, not sympathy. I didnt have empathy. I didnt understand the pull this disease has on people, and i felt bad about it. I was cocky and selfish. My relaps put empathy and humility in me. It also helped me change my line of work. I got hired as a bartender when i got out of prison. I stayed clean for 6 months and im surprised i lasted that long. I work at Custom Carts building golf carts now. Im truly blessed to have this job. My initial drug test results came back inconclusive and sent my sample to a lab for further testing which took a week. I figured it was a done deal and proceeded to look elsewhere for employment, including other bars and restaurants, but nothing was panning out. I was getting really depressed and feeling hopeless. I got the call that Friday. I drink alot of water all the time and the amount of water i consumed that morning made the initial test freak out, but it came back clean. My job is great. I love working with my hands, and most of the guys i work with are in recovery, including my boss. That whole situation was my Higher Power at work. This was also my first time getting clean by my own doing. Every other time i detoxed was due to legal issues, so i was forced to stop. This was the first time i made the decision to stop and i was blessed with the strength to do so, (with a little help from xanax and anti-nausea med). I also learned that i have great people in my corner as long as im trying to do the right thing and im trying to help myself, they have my back. Its true when they say NA... Never Alone. Im on my way back up now. Im doing whatever it takes to get as far away from that crap as i can. I was almost to the point of giving up, but my Higher Power and my NA family came through in the most crucial hour. I cant express my gratitude verbally, i can only hope my actions show how grateful i am. If i can do it, anyone can. I understand the shame and guilt that comes along with relaps, but it doesnt have to be permanent. It will pass as long as you just put one foot in front of the other in the right direction. I know its hard, but its worth it. Thank you to those that help me get back on my feet... My cuz Lucinda Malysz, Will Malysz, and Eric Welle to name a few. I love you guys. Damon Boyer and Ashley Marie Boyer, you have been the biggest part of my support network and i cant thank you enough. I feel like i let you down. I know you have to protect yourselves and your family and i know what kind of beast i can be in active using. I am so sorry i let you down. Please dont give up on me. Im getting better everyday and i want to be apart of your lives. I know it will be a process to gain your trust again, but ill do whatever it takes to earn your trust again. Please dont give up on me. Anyone reading this, remember... Dont quit before the miracle happens. Faith is a difficult thing, but He is there and He WILL take care of you, but you have to try to do for yourself, and He will meet you where you need Him. I love you all and im sorry if i disappointed anyone. Last, Danielle Richtscheidt, love you with all i am and i dont know where i would be without you pushing me. I appreciate all you do... when i come home from work and i dont want to go to a meeting, you call me on my bullshit and push me to go. You call me out if im slacking on my reading liturature or making recovery calls. You see my potential and push me to do my best everyday. Im truly blessed have you as my partner. I love you. I hope this story helps someone. I love you all.
Posted on: Sat, 20 Dec 2014 22:30:56 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015