Its become apparent to me, as I age, that Im becoming more and more introverted. Not only as a person but also in my artistry. Today I asked myself why. For the 1st time, Im realizing that the 2 are not separate, but are mutually exclusive. In my relationships whether they be friendships or more intimate, I tend to give myself completely and expect that from my partner in that particular relationship. I was the optimist about people. Seeing the best in them, but numerous disappointments left me with a blessing and a curse. Discernment. It has protected my vulnerability, but at some point, the ideal of discernment turned into closed-off-ness and not being open to new relationships. On the flip side to that my career. As a kid this introvertedness is rooted in religion. I, subconsciously, equate music w/ the audible sense of love, more often than not, and theres a particular scripture that says love is not boastful. Posting a bunch of unnecessary videos of myself or just singing to be a center of attention, to me, seemed extremely boastful. Using something to me that is so sacred, as a form of conceit, is off putting. So as times changed and the industry changed, I found myself lost in a world that didnt take performance as a place of freedom, or of vulnerability, or as art, but as just a paycheck or a way to be seen or famous. Which in turn caused me to be completely introverted in that. Today has taught me, that its my vulnerability thats keeping me from both things. If I want the industry to change, (which I already see it going back to a place of openness and giving all of yourself), I have to do it. Not wanting to be or experience anyone elses vulnerability has kept me from from life. Not anymore. Being vulnerable is breathing life into others and yourself. I cant allow myself to not be apart of reality anymore. Here comes change.
Posted on: Thu, 23 Oct 2014 04:37:13 +0000