It’s taken a few days of pondering to get my head around today’s post, but looking through photos was lovely. Here she is at almost two years old and full of wonderment and Christmas 2010, completing her croquembouche.. It was magnificent! I’ve been sitting with my Dad “up the hill” today and thinking about Caitlin and Christmas and holidays, and all those things – wondering if I could write something uplifting.. Yet it would be dishonest of me to portray that all is sunshine and joy. This will be our first Christmas without our precious girl.. And that is taking some working through. It is a continued struggle for her family and it makes my heart ache. I have been anxious about the lead up to Christmas, and the expectations of being festive and joyous. I haven’t had those feelings and nor have I wanted to. I haven’t felt able to buy into the baubles and lights and champagne. The trips to town have been devoid of pleasure apart from running into old friends here and there which has been wonderful. There was no Christmas card from us this year, as I could not bring myself to sign off with five names instead of six. Fortunately Sam made the effort to find a tree, carry it home and decorate it. There is an assortment of gifts underneath, but her name is not amongst the many. And that feels so foreign and wrong. I have wished that the whole Christmas thing could just pass me by, and collect me again afterwards when it was done. But I hear her words in my head, “I don’t want to be an excuse Mum”. And I think to myself, ‘you’re absolutely right – we need to do this. We need to have a day of enjoying being together and sharing memories and making new ones. So, whilst unequivocal joy wont be assaulting all my senses, I have endeavoured to focus on another emotion that is often expressed at this time of the year. Peace. Finding my peaceful place. Recognising it. Accepting it. Welcoming it. I have learnt with some assistance from the wise lady in the leather chair that peace is okay. To allow it to descend. … It doesn’t mean acceptance, it doesn’t mean not feeling or not remembering. It will never mean not loving. But a tiny window of peace can offer a momentary shift of weight from my shoulders and brief pauses of serenity. And a stillness, I hope, in my heart. Another Christmas mission of mine is to recognise and be mindful of goodwill.. Goodwill is out there. It is alive and well in our community and beyond. I have often been the recipient of it. Times of trial, uncertainly or hardship make you aware and appreciate goodwill in its many forms. And over time, an understanding of the need to share it. I feel blessed that I have people pass by and leave an impression of love or goodwill with me. It offers strength and it says, “you are not alone”. Remember the post I wrote about a few months back when I was asked how many children I had? Following that so many of you left comments or sent messages that said to me.. “I know how that feels, I have been there, or somewhere like it and I understand. So there was some comfort from that, from the sharing of stories and honesty of remembering. Goodwill in another form. There will be goodwill too, in the coming months as we negotiate our way through the dates that are special and significant to Caitlin. Her birthday in January and the first anniversary in February. So those are the forthcoming challenges, but I know now that I am not alone when contemplating life trials. Sometimes when you’re caught up in your own ‘stuff’ you can lose sight of what is going on beyond your peripheral vision. I think now days I endeavour to have a little more insight, more clarity, more empathy. She taught me that. She gave me that. So now we are amid the season of goodwill. If nothing else this Christmas share some good around, be generous with it. A little can go such a long way. That’s my post this month, I have endeavoured to be a little more upbeat without being fraudulent. However, there is no stopping Thursday. It will come and we will light candles, we will remember. We will laugh and love. Just as she would want. 10 months have passed and I miss her every moment of every day. I wish I could borrow her from heaven for a little while this Christmas. Christmas wishes, love and blessings K xx Instead of a quote, a Caitlin song Somewhere over the rainbow Way up high, Theres a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow Skies are blue, And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true. Someday Ill wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds are far Behind me. Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops Thats where youll find me. Somewhere over the rainbow Bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh why cant I? If happy little bluebirds fly Beyond the rainbow Why, oh why cant I?
Posted on: Tue, 23 Dec 2014 08:08:45 +0000
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