Ive often wondered about whom is the greatest... Jesus or Superman. Lets discuss, shall we since I cant sleep and ive nothing better to do. Now, the similarities are obvious to almost anyone. Both are clearly other worldly beings with powers that set them apart from mortal men and make them appear almost as gods to regular folk like you and me who stand aghast at the amazing array of miracles the pair can perform. Jesus can turn water into wine and Superman... well... he can crush coal into diamond. Nice try Jesus but Ill call you next time I have some kind of hootenanny and were running low on booze. Jesus did die for our sins... Thats great and all but with zero proof of any sort of afterlife Ill take Superman dying in a fist fight with Doomsday, an unkillable engine of destruction bred to... ummm... destroy shit... yeah... well Doomsday nearly destroyed the JLA and, if ive not mentioned before several words ago, was specifically designed to be the perfect living weapon. Now, Im not sure if unkillable is even a word but Doomsday was and Supes did it anyway. A creature that takes a rather large dump on the natural order of things (take that God) and Supes kicked his rocky ass. Score another point for the S man for punching out evil on his way to the afterlife. Wait... did he even die? Probably not. That makes him even more gangsta! And on the subject of deaths. Both may have died and came back from the dead. Jesus was strung up and stabbed with a spear. Thats pretty gangsta in the parlance of the children, Ill freely admit. Superman would literally moisten his now blue (thank you DCs new 52) pantaloons laughing at the idea of being killed by a spear. It would take a low yield nuclear blast to get his attention to come for his favourite supper of truth, justice and iron filings laced cornflakes (if it wasnt for his super hearing and whatnot). And on the subject of powers, Jesus was big on walk and talk while Superman can fly at the speed of light... and can survive in the centre of the sun! THE SUN! Now thats gangsta! And its not like Supes just flits around the sky stomping out evil like a bad mother. He had friends too. Yeah, maybe theyre not a bunch of yes men who hang on his every word... they happen to also be universally known routers of the repugnant... The freakin Justice League! The Martian Manhunter, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Flash... and to a much lesser extent... Aquaman, all but to name a few. They dont just sit and write books about how great Supes is, no, they kick ass with him. And does Superman ask for anything in return? Adulation? Servitude? No! He just wants everyone to be happy and to bang Lois Lane or Wonder Woman or whoever it is this week without the paparazzi bothering him every time he drops his skintights to give her a good seeing to. Jesus? Everyone had to pray to him and he offers... Nothing? Thats right, nothing except an unproven ticket to heaven. Not worth every Sunday of my life to play those odds! Theres so much to do on sundays... like sleeping and learning the flute and... I dunno... whatever... probably sleeping. AND THERES MORE! Jesus dislikes the devil because he supposedly gave us critical thinking and whatnot... Bad devil! Giving us individually and the ability to think for ourselves? How dare he? Well, guess what... The devil still controls his domain. Evil is still afoot and fewer and fewer people are looking at religion as an actual alternative to... yknow, reality. Superman, should he find an evil doer he can defeat, he uses his mighty Kryptonian man nipples to smash their faces out of their arses with them. And he does so with aplomb and that irritating can do attitude that makes him less interesting than Batman. Just ask every incarnation of Brainiac, Doomsday, Cyborg Superman, Parasite, all those multitude of mutants (sorry, meta humans) and every other bad guy he actually actively fights to keep us human folk safe to enjoy our democracy and peanut butter and puppies etc etc. I suppose we can always play the game of but one of them is eternal. Well, I say DC 1,000,000 to you sir! DC 1,000,000 indeed.. DC 1,000,000 is the story of how Superman moved into the sun... probably because Metropolis rental prices were just so freakin high. And there he stayed until the 853rd century, at which point he emerged and had godlike powers. He brought a planet back to life and brought back Lois Lane. The end! Yes, Jesus healed people but his dad created the universe. Dont live off your dads legacy son. Thats not cool! But my biggest question is: what did Jesus actually achieve? Yeah, he was a nice bloke but his big sacrifice was to die for our sins. Guess what though, if we sin and die we still go to Hell. Dont try it or anything but ive been told thats true by some guy screaming, holding a mega phone on the street and thumping a Bible. So other than a book, which he didnt even write, what did he do? So overall... I know who I think is the greatest hero. Im going with the S man. Not the guy who inspired the style of millions of hippies the world over. Nice legacy there Jesus! Tune in next week when I compare Earthworm Jim to Abraham Lincoln... maybe... or Master Splinter vs Boris Johnson... maybe not either.
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 03:12:44 +0000
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