Ive woken up two nights in a row from nightmares, which Is very unusual for me. Of course, It has never made more sense to be afraid--with Isis, Ebola, my dogs death, my sister in laws death, and Robins, and certain very crazy people who do not believe in climate science possibly about to be in charge of this worried country. Although Im not going to name names. But these things do not freak me out that much. I have a necklace that says, Gods got it, from a woman with oral cancer, and part of her tongue missing, about to start to chemo, who ALSO had ten years of sobriety--who was the happiest person anyone saw on this one particular day, because, as she said, oh, Gods got it. I go to church every sunday, and the preacher Veronica pretty much says the same thing, which is what Guadalupe said to the peasant boy 500 years ago, when she incarnated in Mexico; Dont be afaid. I am here. That so works for me, even though I am nice Protestant girl. Mary saved me many early mornings during the day, when I was coming off coke or meth, beside my partner in crime who would be sleeping somehow, snoring like a wood chipper, while I gnashed my teeth and thought about stabbing him in the head with a pencil. Id hail Mary, full of grace, a thousand times, and she would come to me, speaking words of wisdom; Let it be, Hon. The situation would still not be ideal, by a long shot, but I would come through, and morning would break again, and if those two things are not miracles, I dont know what is. I wear the Miraculous Mary on a chain, along with my Gods Got it, necklace, and so I am at least semi-okay, most of the time, in a sort of limited and challenged way. Hey, Ill take it. The nightmares re a direct result of the stress of the upcoming Small Victories book tour for two weeks in mid-november. I get nightmares every publication. I have a hard time away from my life--Sam, Jax, some friends, church, recovery, my hikes, my two darling animals. The friends are why I believe so deeply in God--like the old story of the little girl unable to fall asleep, whose mother keeps telling her not to be afraid, because Jesus is right there in the dark with her, and the girl finally says, nearly crying, I need someone with skin on. I see my friends, and some fellow sober travellers, my brothers, as God with skin on. In fact the youngest of these beings with skin on just confessed to me that theres a girl in his kindergarten class he likes the best. I asked what it was about her that he liked. He said, She has eight mental teeth. I said, Say no more. I love every event I do, and I get way more out of them than you do, but travel is hard work, especially if you do not quite believe in flying. And maybe have tiny tiny control issues; hardly worth mentioning, when it comes to climate, sleep, and all other people on earth. The first nightmare was about the most truly evil boyfriend Ive ever had, coming to my Small Victories reading in NYC, and wanting to get back together. And in the dream Im wondering if it was as bad as I remember. Because he was so funny! I wake up when we start kissing. The second dream was about the event that Jack Kornfield and I are doing together in SF on Nov 25 but there are only 3 people in a huge theatre. And I had only put mascara on one set of eyelids, so I looked like Malcolm McDowell in Clockwork Orange. I woke up when Jack Kornfield was hustling me off the stage. Jack Kornfield, hustling me off a stage! Its like having Mother Teresa ask nicely if maybe youve put on a little weight. So a lot of what I will be writing these days will be stuff about Small Victories, both my tremendous excitement and gratitude and anxiety; and how deeply I hope and pray that you will all help Get out the Vote Nov 4th, so that the people who dont believe in climate science cant run things, and pick all the Committee Chairs, including, hypothetically, those who make laws about trying to save the earth, and corporate greenhouse gas. If that seems too crazy or narcissitic, maybe there are some other facebook pages you could read until approx Dec 1st. Deal? Now I have to run without even copy eidtting this, because I get to go for my second hike since I broke my toe five weeks ago. Thank you Jesus and Mary and all the saints, and all you good people who are Love with skin on. We would be SO entirely doomed without you.
Posted on: Sat, 18 Oct 2014 16:36:47 +0000
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