I’M FINALLY GETTING OFF THIS ISLAND!! By coincidence, it just became official on the 4th of July that I am about to, at long last, declare my independence from England! I think that means It’s time for QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS #2: DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE COMING BACK TO THE BELOVED HOMELAND? ….Um, sadly, no. I have to go live and work in yet another filthy foreign country. BUT AT LEAST YOU’RE ESCAPING THE EMPIRE, RIGHT? Yes! I mean, no. Kind of, I’m not really sure. (The new place still recognizes the Queen of England as their queen and puts her on their money, but they ARE in the North America, so I guess it’s kind of a push.) WHICH FILTHY FOREIGN COUNTRY ARE YOU MOVING TO THIS TIME? A vast, frozen wasteland where the local savages roam the tundra wielding hockey sticks and, for some reason, are constantly apologizing. MooseVille. MapleSyrupLand. DudleyDoRightistan. THAT’S…. KIND OF OFFENSIVE, BUT AT LEAST YOU DIDN’T CALL IT “AMERICA LITE” LIKE YOU WERE PLANNING TO. SO CANADA, EH? WHICH PART? The west coast part. Vancouver. (From what I can tell, Vancouver is kind of the Los Angeles of Canada. It’s like LA would be if we had more rain, used public transportation, and for some reason forgot where we put most of our guns.) WHAT ABOUT YOUR MANY, MANY CATS? Still just two. They’ll be fine, being released back in to the wild. They’re born-- WE ALREADY HEARD THAT ONE. Right. They’re coming with me. Same deal. They should get frequent flyer points. SO WHEN DO YOU LEAVE? I set sail for the New World on July 23rd! “SET SAIL”? By which I mean get on a plane. Although I HAVE temporarily renamed my cats “Nina” and “Santa Maria.” UH, YEAH. I DON’T THINK COLUMBUS WAS THE ONE THAT DISCOVERED CA-- What-EV-er. Like I’ve always said, I’m American; we don’t know much history pre-Kardashia. The point is, at least I won’t have to struggle with the Metric system anymore! UM…. SO WILL YOU GO ALL CANADIAN NOW? ARE YOU GONNA PUT ON A TOQUE, SPEND SOME TOONIES ON POUTINE AND A WHALE’S TAIL AND EAT IT WITH A DOUBLE-DOUBLE & TIMBITS WHILE WATCHING DEGRASSI? I don’t even know what the hell that means. But no- as always, I remain American through and through! As American as Captain Kirk or Ace Ventura! UM…. BUT NOW YOU’LL BE CLOSE ENOUGH TO VISIT THE US? Hells f*ckin’ yeah!! Planning on taking MANY weekend flights down to see my favorite LA places and people! (I’m looking at you, Westside Comedy Theater!!) WITH ALL THE GLOBE HOPPING NOW, ARE YOU CARMEN SAN DIEGO OR DORA THE EXPLORER? I’m more like the guy from Quantum Leap, aways hoping the next jump takes me home.
Posted on: Fri, 04 Jul 2014 22:28:00 +0000
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