J.P.’s 2014 Parental Year-End Review: Mr. and Mrs. Beardslee – It is once again time for your annual Performance Evaluation. Please be advised that you may file any formal objections to the information stated herein by contacting our grievance department at 1-800-WHO-CARES or crappyparents@fakemail. You have received a grade in each of the following domains: Environment: B-. I really like our toys for the most part, and you guys do a fair job of keeping things in working order. I love my bunk beds and sharing a room with Timmy, but the way you yanked me out of the crib was really unconscionable. I plan to blame any future wacked out moods of mine on the emotional trauma sustained during this transition. I LOVED the week we had an excavator here to dig a giant hole in the front yard, and then I LOVED to mountain of dirt they left behind for me to play in. I’m sad you made the mountain go away and put stupid old grass on top. But I did get the feeling that this whole process really stressed you guys out, so I didn’t ding your score too much for that. Recreation: Dad gets an A+, Mom gets a C-. Why is it that Mom refuses to read me a toy train catalog written completely in German, but Dad at least makes an effort and makes a silly accent voice? (Why are you asking me why do we even have this kind of book, I dunno, you apparently brought it into the house yourself, genius.) Why is it that Mom refuses to play Memory with me on the edge of the bathtub while she is in the shower? It can’t really be that hard. Why is it that when we’re at the pool, Dad does cannonballs with a bucket on his head and floaties on his arms, while Mom patrols the shallow end with a can of spray sunscreen in one hand and a life jacket no one will wear in the other, making sure no one has too much fun? Mom tries to exonerate herself by saying things like Dad works for money for our family so we can have our house that she cleans and food that she cooks and so she can’t play all day and somehow this is good for our family and blah blah whatever. More effort, less whining, Mom. Education: A-. I feel I have learned a lot in my third year of life. For example, I have learned how to talk, use scissors, zip up my coat, put my plates in the kitchen after eating, and say prayers. I have learned that brothers can be awesome or annoying (I have one of each kind), and that the bigger the tantrum, the less likely it is that I will get what I want, and that it seems that you still love me even after I act like that. (This one totally sucks and I won’t give up on my attempts to disprove the first part of this theory.) I have learned the letters M, O, and X, and I can count to 5. (Actually as you know I can write like a college graduate and solve calculus problems on my Magna Doodle, but I like to seem mysterious.) Despite the fact that it appears to be an hour-long Cheerio-throwing wrestling match, you persist in taking us to church each week, which I have therefore learned must be valuable somehow to us as a family. I like the music and the nice people and the cuddle times while we sit there, and I hear some of the same stories about Jesus there that you tell me at home. So, this is one of your better performance areas. High five. Overall grade: B+. Pretty good year, but room to improve. Next year I will not be grading on a curve.
Posted on: Thu, 01 Jan 2015 18:02:47 +0000
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