Jeff was feeling grumpy, as he always does his first full day home after a long trip. In the late afternoon Jeff took a walk. It was dark, grey, overcast and drizzy. There was no snow to brighten things, and the trees were bare. Jeff looked into the sky and said, “God, are you there?” God replied: --“Yes, Jeff. I’m always here. You know that.” “I know. You know, God. I’ve been feeling grumpy all day. It always happens on my first day back.” --“I know.” “I mean, I woke up, walked over to Zabar’s to buy some groceries, stopped at Birdbath Café and had some coffee, and then came home and just sort of lay around doing nothing. I was gonna go for a run, but never got around to it.” --“Well, I noticed you got some work done. That’s always good.” “That’s true. But mostly I surfed the net, wrote nonsense on Facebook and...” --“Yeah, that Longhorn Aggie-hater on Kory Brown’s wall. You really wound him up.” “Yeah, people take the whole UT/A&M thing too seriously.” --“Sure seems that way, doesn’t it. But you enjoyed writing all that satire. Was clever. Freagin’ sword-wielding Aggies. Funny stuff.” “Thanks, God. But it didn’t really cheer me up.” --“Well, what cheered you up?” “When I finally got out of the house and took a walk.” --“Yeah, I could tell.” “Yeah, I walked through the Riverside park. Saw some kids running around. And lots of dogs. I took my camera and got some photos of some cool buildings.” --“And how’d that make you feel?” “Yeah, I liked that. I like to take my camera. As I walk, keeps me alert for interesting things.” --“I see.” “It then started to rain. And I was wearing my U.T. hoodie. Everybody was seeking cover. But I just walked in the rain, didn’t even bother to put my hoodie up. It was nice.” --“And how did that make you feel.” “Good. I mean…. You know, you say that a lot.” --“Say what?” “’How did that make you feel?’ You sound like a counsellor or something.” --“Is that right?” “Yeah, I mean, that’s all they say, right? ‘Hmmmm….’ and ‘How did that make you feel?’ and ‘I see.’ Isn’t that right?” --“I suppose. You’d have to ask your drinkin’ buddy from the other night.” “You mean David?” --“Miss Uvalde’s husband. He’s a psychologist. He should know.” “Yeah, maybe I will. He seemed like a smart guy. But, yeah, God. You sound like a counsellor.” --“I do?” “Yeah, I went to a counsellor. Once. For one session. Remember 15 years ago when I was gonna get married to that Finnish woman who was kinduv mean?” --“Kinduv mean? She was really mean.” “Ok. Fair enough.” --“What the hell were you thinkin’, man?” “I dunnknow. Seemed like a good idea at the time. At least she thought so. And she managed to convince me.” --“Most things we do seem like a good idea at the time. That’s why we do them.” “Is that supposed to be profound, God?” --“I thought it was.” “Ok. Well, I went to one at Trinity, in Dublin, at their student-counsellor office. Some Greek girl. A psychology student in training. Couldn’t even speak English that well. And all she said was ‘Hmmmm…’ and ‘How did that make you feel?’ and ‘Is that right?’ Just like you’re doing. Heck, maybe her English wasn’t good enough and she didn’t even understand what I was saying. But all those ‘Hmmms’ and “I see’ and such.” -- “They seemed to work?” “Oh, yeah.” -- “How many sessions did you go to?” “Oh, just one.” -- “Ha ha! One session was enough to make you realize you didn’t want to marry the mean Finnish woman?” “Ha ha! Yeah!” -- “That’s funny. Some people go for years. And all you needed was one session. That’s efficiency. That Greek woman was good.” “She did exactly as you’re doing. You should be a counsellor, God. You’re pretty good at it. Do you do any counselling?” -- “Jeff…” “Ok. Stupid question. I guess you do.” -- “Jeff, you have no idea. That’s pretty much all I do. All day. Twenty-four seven. You have any idea how many people I’m counselling right now at this very moment?” “I guess a lot. A lot of people praying, huh?” -- “Oh, yeah.” “Ok.” --“So how do you feel now, Jeff.” “I feel ok.” --“Why do you think that is?” “Well, I talked to you. And I got active, taking a walk, being mentally stimulated. I think that’s the key.” --“What’s the key?” “Being mentally and physically stimulated. I mean, I remember once going to the Central Park zoo, back in 1993. And there was this polar bear. And he just sat there and rocked back and forth. I think he was a deranged polar bear. And he had nothing to do, he was in this tiny little perch with a tiny little bit of water. No hunting. No swimming. No eating seals and ripping apart penguins and chasing female polar bears. He just sit there all day. Must’ve been torture. I wonder if he’s still there, the deranged polar bear.” -- “You could take a walk over tomorrow and find out.” “I guess. But it’d just depress me. But I think you’re right, God. The key is to be mentally active, and physically active, and talk to God. You’re right.” --“I never said that, you did, Jeff.” “Oh, so I did. But it seems to make sense, right?” --“Yes.” “Yeah, it’s all pretty basic stuff.” --“Yes . . . . . . Hmmmm . . . . . . And how does that make you feel? . . . . . . I see. . . . . Hmmm. . . .. ” “Stop it, God. That’s annoying.” --“Sorry.” “Hey, God. It was great talking to you. You always cheer me up.” --“I see.” “Stop it.” --“Sorry. Yes, always good talking to you too, Jeff.” “I’ll let you go, God You probably have other people waiting.” --“Nah. I’m a good multi-tasker. They’re getting taken care of.” “Cool. Thanks, God. Have a good day.” --“You too, Jeff. Take care.”
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 00:00:28 +0000
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