June 27, 2014 and another 27th is upon us. We have experienced 2yrs & 8 months of 27ths without Noelle. Hard, hardest & even harder have become the days as they pass. This month (with her permission) I’ve decided to open up another door of our grief journey. I have kept this door closed to Facebook for purely her protection. We (Hollee & I) feel that now it is time to share a little bit about her journey. For months I have talked about what or how the journey has affected mostly me (due to this being my Facebook page). Since my purpose of my monthly posts are to express through writing OUR grief journey…here’s a little about how it has affected Hollee (through her mother’s eyes). Hollee tends to withdraw at times. She retreats to her room (which was formally Noelle’s) to find solace. I’m often unsure of what goes on in her little cave…I do know that whatever occurs is usually drowned by the sound of music (tunes not the movie lol). Hollee will discuss Noelle to a chosen few…I am fortunate to be included in that few. However, not only did she lose her sister…she lost her best friend. She also lost her mentor, sparring partner, secret keeper, peace maker & security. The two of them were 5 ½ years apart to the day. When Noelle died it INSTANTLY made her an only living child…henceforth, messing up the birth order amongst the living. She went from being the baby to the only child (living). Think about that for a minute…at 12 years old this ALL changed for her. I personally think this is why I have such a hard time with the whole forever age thing. You see, the closer Hollee gets to 17 the more anxiety I feel. I tend to keep Noelle’s age as her living age (which will be 21 this year) to help me cope with the day Hollee passes 17. I do not fault anyone else’s method of coping or dealing…this is just what helps me at the time & could change at any given moment. Hollee longs to speak & share things with her sister. There were many nights (almost every night) that I could sit and listen to both of the girls talk in their beds. Noelle hated to have her door closed so it was an often very unprivate conversation lol. They could bounce off of each other how unfairly our parenting techniques were amongst several other conversations that I was not privy to. She has lost that…. Travel ball season seems to be one of the harder times for her. Noelle helped coach her, critiqued her, motivated her & was one of her biggest cheerleaders! She has lost that… Hollee wears her number, has batting gloves that have her name on them, and has her name on the back shoulder of her jersey. She carries Noelle on the ball field with her every time she steps foot out there. There no longer sits her sister in the stands or the dugout for a focal point…She has lost that. For the last 2 weeks we have played college exposure tournaments in front of college coaches. We are playing this weekend in Chattanooga, TN where Noelle would have been attending college. She could have shown us the town, the hidden places of interest, or even the hook ups with college acquaintances …She has lost that. Noelle’s death has affected us ALL in different ways. Hollee DOES NOT seek pity, or special treatment - never has. In fact, she stresses to everyone on special occasions - do not buy me extras (Christmas, etc.) because she is still her and doesn’t want to take over any part of Noelle’s space in that affect. I am an only child and cannot fathom the loss of a sister even through my own grief. This is just a smidgen of what our daily life contains. I don’t expect everyone to understand. I just wanted to share some of the UGLY truth about our loss. We play ball, we chase sunsets, etc. but, this is the REAL part, the everyday part, the part hidden from view. Now, my role that I have taken to help both her & me… is that I have made myself as much available as possible. I take off work & adjust my working schedule to try to maintain stability for her. She needs me as much as I need her (I probably need her more lol). There are those who cannot begin to understand and that’s ok. From my view point, Hollee will be a sophomore this year & in a few short years she will be off to college. I will do whatever I can and to the best of my ability to be at every function that I can for her. Sacrifices have been made both professional & personal but, I know how short life can be & the payoffs for those sacrifices (for me) are far greater than a haircut or color. I by all means am not non-appreciative to my clients…in fact, I appreciate each & everyone of you for understanding. The First Noelle is now OFFICIAL!!!!!! We are a NON PROFIT ORGANIZATION! To explain my excitement of this accomplishment let me break it down for you…In September of 2012 the paperwork began, on November 2, 2012 our Charter was received, In February of 2013 our application was sent to the IRS, in March of 2013 the IRS began the process and in June 2014 we became official. So, approximately 1 year & 9 months later …we have succeeded!!! I will be working very hard this next year to help the purpose of our motto for Noelle – “Spreading a legacy One child & One book at a time”. Noelle’s tidbit of the month – On the day Hollee was born, I wrote a letter to Noelle. I explained to her that as of that day (June 9, 1999) Noelle would become something that I would NEVER be…a sister. On her first day that she had her “pick student” of Kindergarten SHARE DAY at Walter Hill (Ms. Sullins’ Class) …guess what she wanted to bring in???? Yep, her new baby sister! Thank you for thinking of Noelle today! Thank you for continuing on our journey, prayers still appreciated & As ALWAYS… I LOVE MY GIRLS!
Posted on: Fri, 27 Jun 2014 05:08:53 +0000
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