June 3, 2013 The past month, I have lived in a state of numbness. Once the hopes were dashed for the surgical removal of Tim’s tumor on May 1st I have been going through the motions of life. Regretfully, in many ways I have wasted an entire month. Not fully, as I did use this time to get away on a “girls only” shopping trip with my extended family and also was able to road trip to visit my brother and his family last week. But for the most part, I have just been existing and doing what comes next. It is fair to say that I got the breath knocked out of me when the surgeon came into that hospital waiting room and informed me that surgery was being cancelled. I dreaded explaining it to Tim once they brought him out from under the anesthesia, and truthfully, I think the whole situation stinks. I’m not angry AT God; not angry WITH God (although if I were, I have no doubt He could handle it). Just disappointed in the circumstances. Frustrated that this journey has so many seemingly unnecessary emotional twists. Confused over why we would be given this sliver of hope for a possible cure after we had finally accepted the reality of being terminal, only to have it ripped away again. I am tired of having my heart broken over and over on this road. It has been shattered into billions of tiny pieces and some days I feel like the pieces don’t match up anymore and even if they did, the super glue isn’t holding. It has left me numb. Numb is something I don’t want to be. I cannot properly serve my Lord in a state of numbness. I am unable to minister to my family when numb. Sure I can go through the motions and provide for everybody’s physical needs, but am I really ministering to their Spirit’s when I feel so depleted inside? Doubtful. I have been having my quiet time and praying and reading Scripture, but it seems more out of habit than out of a longing to learn more. I don’t want my relationship with my Savior to grow stagnant, but at the same time, my heart and mind are so exhausted that I often find myself unable to focus and glean the deeper messages. Then today, our family was together (all four of us) for the first time in ten days. And there was joy. Unfiltered joy. Jesus joy. Grateful hearts. Boisterous giggles. Silliness and love. Front yard football, trail bike rides, leisure book reading in the sun, car washing errands and the simplicity of life. It was beautiful and in the middle of it all God spoke to me. We are still our little family of four who love spending time together; who laugh uncontrollably together at the stupidest jokes; who sing loudly together at the top of our lungs (some of us on key and some of us off key) in the front yard while being total goofballs; who spontaneously two-step to a new favorite country song. And you know what else; we are all four still alive. Who cares that death is looming in the future? It’s looming for all of us! But God reminded me of our saying “it isn’t happening today (as far as we know) and we still have lives to live and memories to make and laughter to share”. Today, in this moment, life is good. We are beginning a strong week for Tim. It’s the week before chemo, which is typically his best week in the 21 day cycle. As of last Friday, he has even started back to work part time! His home office desk will be used for Johnson Equipment Company work for the first time in longer than I can remember. I guess the lesson I have learned this past month is that as a Christian, I have a responsibility to keep doing the next thing, even when I don’t feel like it. Even when it is hard. Even when I am numb. Keep moving. Keep myself in God’s Word and in communication with Him. Even if it feels forced and rote. He will reignite the spark of living within my soul. He will honor the discipline. Often when I least expect it. He is faithful. Always. Sometimes I worry about sharing too much on this page. These are typically entries from my personal journal. But just maybe, someone else is feeling stuck in the pit of numbness and needs to hear what God has taught me. If so, then the humility of sharing my struggle is worth it. ~Lori Psalm 34:18 “The lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.”
Posted on: Mon, 03 Jun 2013 14:28:18 +0000