King Nothing by A.V. I had never been to T. before. It seemed so different; there was so much to take in. A place that looked so full of life, so full of promise, a place so unlike home. The train ride to T. was long and it drained my spirit more than it drained my energy. She sat behind me for many hours and I did not know what the right thing to do was. How would the others see a friendly hello? She and I were something that never became nothing. And in this lack of nothing the heart found room for hope and the mind found room to dream. This time around the mind managed to keep the heart at bay and I was pleased to see myself able to control my desire and not to fall prey to naivety. I sat there while the train screamed and shook through the night, watching her from time to time. She had a large frown on her face and I could not help myself but laugh. She looked so silly for someone who caused so much pain. As one of my few weaknesses, she had managed to lose my trust and my respect through her past actions, but I kept being there for her as much as I could, without doing more damage to myself. One can only forgive so much, but ultimately forgetting is the hardest part. As a child I saw love as something that made a family whole. Now I see it as something that makes someone whole. The downside is that it can also leave you empty. As many things in life, love is a gamble. Sadly the game of love is a travesty, the rules are unclear and the players unclean. Yet sometimes winners emerge leaving the rest drooling like animals and wanting their own happy ever after crap. I fought for my happiness. I fought hard. Sadly, I fought alone. Loneliness does not reach its peak when you have nobody, but when you fight for someone else to be happy and you find yourself abandoned by the very one whose happiness you’ve placed above your own. The train stopped and T. was waiting. The people were vibrant even if all they did was to simply sit at a cafe enjoying their day. Everything was breathtaking because my worries and problems back home slipped my mind from time to time. I was exhausted and everything was a blur. I remember checking in at the hotel and feeling so lucky to be able to sleep. In T. I witnessed the beauty of the buildings that looked like many old toys scattered over a sea of green. I danced with her one night. I felt fully alive and I told myself that I was happy. Good music tends to make me high and nothing else has the effect that music has on me. Every song I heard had a piece of her tied to it. I felt pathetic. She changed so much…I dare say she became a stranger. Every time she came desperate for help I found myself by her side somehow, down on bended knees. As all things, the music ended and we went on our separate ways. I presented my work at the University and won the special prize. It gave me little satisfaction knowing that things that mattered to me more were long gone. She seemed happy for my success but it did not move me. She spoke with me only when it suited her; therefore it started to become a symphony of fake words. I managed to spend a little time with her and was stupefied to find myself looking in the eyes of a stranger. Her smile was the same, but her soul was totally different…like she stained it somehow. After receiving our diplomas everyone left. The world back home was waiting, but I was not eager to return at all. I still had so much to see. Sadly, by the time I boarded the train, I came to the conclusion that the people in T. were as plain as all the people that I had met before. They all had their demons, their sicknesses and their many masks to disguise their true selves. The thing that made them seem different was the fact that I wanted to see something better than what I was used to. We returned home and a few days later she sought me out yet again. This is where I snapped. I was painfully honest with her and I expressed all my disappointment in her. I once loved this stranger and felt compelled to point out the error of her ways and to show her the chaos she built around herself. It was a pity when she decided to shut her eyes, twist all the promises of redemption, lose herself and wrap herself in her womb of chaos.She was lost in her rage and that was when that flicker of hope and that desire…my weakness became nothing. The one who managed to bring her to the her old self; the self she often yearned for, died that day. That was when she became nothing. That was when in a whirlwind of pain I opened my eyes and I found myself free. One day she will haunt me no more. Until that day I am what I am: a child wandering in the blissful summer breeze.
Posted on: Sun, 08 Sep 2013 08:44:20 +0000