LOSS OF FRIENDS comes in several ways. Presently I’m saddened by summer visits that are coming to a close, student friends who are returning to university. Though it’s a yearly happening, there’s no way of getting used to it. The friendships remain strong, it’s just that suddenly the dear ones are no longer there. To have friends move away hurts differently. We feel the loss but it’s accompanied by well wishes and a draw of curiosity. We wonder how things will turn out for them. We still have something to look forward to: emails, the phone calls, the visits. Deep down we fear the probability that both our lives will become filled with other interests and most likely we will lose touch, but presently we comfort ourselves by refusing to accept that. But what does one do when a friendship or relationship becomes dysfunctional? We all come in each other’s lives for a reason but not necessarily for an eternity. Why do so many of us put up with toxic people? Nurturing a bad friendship/relationship/marriage irritates e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e involved. Children, relatives and friends included. There comes a time when regular complaining followed by justifying and rationalizing behaviours of the same person must come to an end. Maybe it’s our own behaviour causing the conflict but we are not going to become a different person simply to please another. Especially if we are aware of who we are and happy with it. And gods forbid that we should have fallen so deep, that we allow someone to use us and take the abuse. We have become brainwashed into associating someone choosing to leave us, as being an insult. What if we looked at it as them caring enough to put an end to this lifestyle that has the possibility of robbing us both of our future? It can be a relief rather than abandonment. The choice is up to us. Because if a spouse or close friend wants to leave, there’s no possible way that our own life has not been negatively affected by whatever steered them to make that decision. Just because two people no longer get along does not mean one of them is a bad person. It simply means they no longer belong together. We grow. We evolve. We change. Two people who once nurtured each other can one day simply be in each other’s way. Examine the obvious in your life. Don’t base your future on rules that were made 5000 yrs ago. Having had all this in discussion, some people turn to the Bible and religion as their reason (escuse? ) to not rock the boat. But how religious are you __ honestly? Why live according to Mark chapter 10: verses 8 & 9 and then disregard Leviticus 11: 9&10? Who will give up lobster and crab? (Mark chapter 10: verses 8 & 9 “and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” Leviticus 11: 9&10- eat of all that [are] in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas. All that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, they [shall be] an abomination unto you”) And please do not give me the Old Testament – New Testament excuse. ;-) There is a dangerous place where two people can become too comfortable to make the changes that would bring them both a happier life. We are all creatures of habit. No relationship/friendship is all bad. I am not referring to the occasional disagreements between 2 people. But if something CONTINUALLY doesnt feel right, its because it’s NOT right. It may be easier to convince ourselves that the bad is worth putting up with, to keep the good. We all have a tendency to fear change. Or it may have gone as far as depending on the financial security of a relationship. We may be unable to imagine losing the shoulder of an old friend. Their sense of humour. But is that worth putting up with their constant disappointments and demands? Separation is rarely clean cut __ it’s not just black&white. It may seem impossible because of attachments to everything from lifestyle, to pets to property. Children are too often used as the excuse. So are mutual friends or the question of family when a toxic person is a relative. Putting up with the pain in fear of hurting someone you (once) love(d) can seem like the compassionate thing to do, when in reality the daily disagreements hurt them more than if you provided freedom for the both of you. It is easy to see only our own pain but how much pain do we cause them by not leaving? Might we be keeping them in their rut? Best not to contribute to the mistake of someone who refuses to get on a better path. Staying in a bad relationship/friendship contributes to a reality that stands in the way of growth and happiness for everyone involved. It doesn’t have to be done in anger. In fact it should not be. Like any other serious decision in life, it should be planned and then followed through. Threatening to leave without taking action simply frustrates spouse or friend. They stop taking you seriously, will become annoyed and lose respect. Making life worse for everyone involved. Putting it off, forces us to come up with daily excuses that drain our energy. Let’s try and avoid the mistake that has the potential of leaving us at our guiltiest… at a time when it’s too late to make any changes. Life is too short to waste our own or anyone else’s. Especially those we love.
Posted on: Sun, 31 Aug 2014 14:30:39 +0000
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