Late Night Jokes: Chicken in Kiev The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon This situation in Kiev, in the Ukraine, is still a big story. They overthrew the government and then a scared President Viktor Yanukovych went on the run. Now Russia has granted protection to Yanukovych. As soon as Edward Snowden heard that, he said, Top bunk! This week President Obama told his supporters that they are doing Gods work by helping to promote Obamacare. God said, “Whoa, there. Look, Im flattered. But Obamacare, that’s all you, man. Don’t involve me in that mess. †It’s rumored that Sandra Bullock will end up making $70 million from the movie “Gravity.†“Thats great!†said the real astronauts making $59,000 a year. I heard that celebrity chef Paula Deen is opening a new restaurant. The restaurants called, “Paula Deens Kitchen.†You know, because “White Castle†was taken. Conan The very first Academy Awards ceremony lasted 15 minutes. And thanks to the fast-forward button on my DVR, so will this years. Workers in the special effects industry are unhappy about seeing their jobs go overseas, so theyll be protesting at the Oscars. Only five will be at the protest, but with CGI special effects, it will look like hundreds. Jason Collins, the NBAs first openly gay player, has the top-selling jersey in the league store. Yeah, thats great — finally a gay man whos not afraid to stand up and say I have my own clothing line. In California, the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. As proof, he cited the story from the Bible where Jesus miraculously turns water into pizza. The Late Show With David Letterman How about that mess in the Ukraine, and now Viktor Yanukovych gets scared and runs. The Russians have given him asylum and they are putting troops on alert. That doesnt sound like the Russians I know. So you have Yanukovych who is disgraced and out of power. Next? Dancing With the Stars. They say the Ukraine has become a wild, lawless region like Arizona, where they had this anti-gay legislation that was vetoed yesterday by the governor. They always invoke the word hate, but in Arizona, its not hate. Its more of a dry hate. The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson A new study says going vegetarian is the best way to lower high blood pressure. Pretty much every study says vegetarians live longer. But thats just because meat eaters’ lives get shortened from being harassed by angry vegetarians. Vegetarians arent the only people finicky about staying healthy and being thin. They have a name for them — single people. Once youre married, it doesnt matter. I do . . . want fries. Hardcore vegans even avoid honey because a very small number of bees are accidentally killed in its production. You know what beekeepers call these incidents? Honey boo-boos. I saw at the supermarket something called vegan burgers. Really? Its an oxymoron — unless theyre burgers made from vegans. Taste the smug superiority! Jimmy Kimmel Live! Big news out of NASA yesterday — the Kepler space telescope has discovered 715 new planets. Either that or somebody sneezed on the lens. If you suddenly find 715 new planets, is that a discovery or were you just not looking hard enough in the first place. This planet discovery is terrible news for all the school kids who just finished making models of the solar system. For them, its back to work. This Sunday is the 86th and final Academy Awards. This is the last year theyre doing it. They decided there are enough Oscar winners already and they dont want to dilute it for those who have them. Late Night With Seth Meyers Researchers uncovered the worlds oldest cheese, which dates back to 1600 B.C. The researchers found the cheese in the center of a Hot Pocket. A Florida man tattooed a spider on his face in an attempt to overcome his arachnophobia, which is a fear of spiders. The tattoo should also help him overcome his fear of employment. A car company has revealed plans to launch a hybrid car that runs on air. You will know when the tank gets to empty when the car screams, I cant breathe! An auction house in Los Angeles put several autographed copies of Mein Kampf up for bid earlier today, starting at $20,000. Be careful, Mel Gibson, its a trap.
Posted on: Sat, 01 Mar 2014 05:08:12 +0000
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