Late Night Jokes The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon • Yesterday Edward Snowden urged technology companies to improve their encryption techniques in order to prevent hacking. Then he said, “But not right away. Im still using Obamas Netflix password to watch House of Cards.” • Thirty Democratic senators held an all-night “talkathon” on the floor of the Senate last night to highlight the impacts of climate change. Yeah, 14 hours of climate change talk — or as Al Gore calls that, a first date. • Londons famous Globe Theatre announced plans to perform Shakespeares play “Hamlet” in North Korea. Of course, “Hamlet” is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong Un said, Where do they come up with this stuff? • NASA just announced that it recently discovered more than 3,000 new stars. NASA scientists say they were able to discover the stars through the careful process of turning the telescope to the left. Conan • The country of New Zealand is voting on whether to change their flag. Apparently New Zealands current flag is a sign that says, “No, no, youre thinking about Australia. Were not Australia.” • A barber shop in Colorado is refusing to serve anybody who smells like marijuana. Today they went out of business. • A clothing company is going to release a $99 wedding dress. The $99 wedding dress is the perfect way to tell your man, I do, I guess. The Late Show With David Letterman • Everybodys in a good mood because of the day outside. Its 55 but not that cool. You know, like Kenny G. • They arrested some guys here in New York City for selling counterfeit ChapStick. I was part of the scam. I bought some. I knew immediately it was counterfeit because the lid didnt come off in my pocket. • In town right now is President Obama for a fundraiser — $32,000 a plate. People say, Thats crazy. Yeah, but you get unlimited breadsticks. • President Obamas wife Michelle has highlighted her hair. She has blond highlights in her hair. And those will probably be the only highlights of his second term. The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson • A family in Oregon called 911 after they were trapped in a bedroom by their cat. Ill say it again. They were trapped in their bedroom by their cat. Apparently the cat held the family hostage until its demands were met. Its demands were food and sleep. • The cat was apprehended and received a sentence of four to nine lives. • In Denver this week theyre hosting a marijuana job fair. Who will be attending? Companies that want to hire stoners and stoners who want to work. So I dont think anyones going, really. • A marijuana job fair? Is TV-watching a job? Jimmy Kimmel Live! • This is our second of five nights broadcasting from Austin, Texas. But the truth is were not here to do a show. The real reason we came here is because this is an intervention. You have a drinking problem, Austin. You need to stop. • A real Texas legend, the great Jimmie Vaughan, is sitting in with our band. We can never have enough Jimmys on the show. • Our non-musical guests tonight are actress Rosario Dawson and Texas Governor Rick Perry. I hear some booing. I hope youre not booing Rosario Dawson because that would be weird. • The mission statement here is Keep Austin weird. Back home in L.A. we dont have to worry about keeping it weird. Thats what Gary Busey is there for. Late Night With Seth Meyers • President Obama today appeared on the Zach Galifianakis online comedy show “Between 2 Ferns.” The president was there to talk about HIS online comedy show — Obamacare. • A scientist and a chef teamed up to test whether or not lobsters can feel pain. Apparently, the hardest part is getting a lobster to sit still long enough to watch The Notebook. • To celebrate Shakespeare’s 450th birthday, the Globe Theatre has plans to perform Hamlet in every country in the world, including North Korea. Said one North Korean official, “Do you need a skull? Because we can get you a skull.”
Posted on: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 23:15:41 +0000
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