Learning How To Recover From Grief and Loss INTRODUCTION: If you are a human being, there is a high probability that your heart has or even is broken; like a piercing, a hole, a ripping caused by betrayal or disappointment. Love refused, taken away or violated. Hopes, dreams and expectations crushed. It may have been caused by any of umpteen different kinds of losses leading to inevitable grief. Regardless of the details, you are left with an unpleasant feeling like none other you have ever experienced – or ever wanted to. Perhaps it is these times more than any other that we most wonder “does anybody know and does anybody care?” Therefore, this morning we will look to Scripture for understanding and guidance regarding our struggles with grief and loss of all types. In my short 47 years, my own losses include: good friends, a beloved Dad and other family members, a son who I have a strained relationship with because he was raised believing I was dead, an innocence stolen at an early age that I’ll never get back, a sweetheart who cheated and betrayed, jobs, a home lost to foreclosure do to health problems in my past; I’ve dealt with the death of loved ones who I fear were not saved, I watched my Dad’s health get swept away from Him before he could even enjoy his retirement, due to permanent health issues I have had to completely change my diet, lifestyle, hobbies and – to some degree – even my personality. Losses and grief are inevitable parts of our lives in a world that has been corrupted by sin. The real struggle is not in avoiding these times but in learning how to understand and deal with them when they do come. Turn with me now in our Bibles to page 882 where 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 New Living Translation (NLT) reads….God Offers Comfort to All 3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. Defining: Dr. Gary R. Collins: “Grief is a normal response to the loss of any significant person, object, or opportunity.” The Grief Recovery® Institute: “Grief is the NORMAL and NATURAL reaction to loss. Grief is EMOTIONAL, not intellectual.” Causes: We most often and naturally connect grief with a death. But it is important to realize that grief can be caused by any significant emotional loss such as: divorce, loss of a job, retirement, sudden physical limitation, a significant geographic move, losing a home or valued possession, ’empty nest,’ realization that a long-held belief is wrong, breaking of any significant relationship, etc. THE ROAD TO RECOVERY: Too often we hear and believe that grief and loss is simply something to be accepted, endured, lived with or even to ’survive’ from. Without Christ, those are perhaps the best options. But, in Christ, there can and should be RECOVERY following any loss and grief!!! While this topic is addressed repeatedly throughout Scripture, this morning I would like us to focus on one passage. In this example, the specific loss addressed involves a death. But, please, don’t lose sight of the fact that all of these principles apply equally to loss of any kind! Let us now turn in our Bibles to page 820 and we will be looking at John Chapter 11 “AT DEATH’S DOOR “ John 11:1-3 New Living Translation (NLT) The Raising of Lazarus 11 A man named Lazarus was sick. He lived in Bethany with his sisters, Mary and Martha. 2 This is the Mary who later poured the expensive perfume on the Lord’s feet and wiped them with her hair. Her brother, Lazarus, was sick. 3 So the two sisters sent a message to Jesus telling him, “Lord, your dear friend is very sick.” We begin this journey at the realization that a great loss is about to be experienced. A.) Fear Though the timing, severity and manner may differ, even the thought of an impending loss will ultimately result in feelings of fear. Fear of the loss itself, fear of change, the fear that comes with feeling helpless and having no control in the situation. B.) Expectations At these times, also, we quickly form expectations for what we think we can or can’t be done to change things for the positive. In this case, the sisters sent a message to Jesus with the implied hope and expectation that He may intervene and prevent this loss from happening. The sisters have personally seen and experienced Jesus’ power and have genuine faith that He can and, perhaps will, do so. So, we accept and have faith that all things are possible in Christ, that He loves us deeply and wants the best for us. We, too, in the moments of our impending loss are apt to turn to Jesus and His power to change things. In doing so, we are right and honor Him. However, where we often slip and struggle is in our expectations of HOW He will answer those prayers and demonstrate His deep love for us, unlimited power, and shining glory. Like Lazarus’ sisters, we tend to automatically assume that because He loves us and/or those for whom we are concerned, and has the power to heal the situation, that He will do so as seems most obvious and apparent to us. “REACHING FOR JESUS” – vv. 4-16 John 11:4-16 New Living Translation (NLT) 4 But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.” 5 So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, 6 he stayed where he was for the next two days. 7 Finally, he said to his disciples, “Let’s go back to Judea.” 8 But his disciples objected. “Rabbi,” they said, “only a few days ago the people in Judea were trying to stone you. Are you going there again?” 9 Jesus replied, “There are twelve hours of daylight every day. During the day people can walk safely. They can see because they have the light of this world. 10 But at night there is danger of stumbling because they have no light.” 11 Then he said, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but now I will go and wake him up.” 12 The disciples said, “Lord, if he is sleeping, he will soon get better!” 13 They thought Jesus meant Lazarus was simply sleeping, but Jesus meant Lazarus had died. 14 So he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead. 15 And for your sakes, I’m glad I wasn’t there, for now you will really believe. Come, let’s go see him.” 16 Thomas, nicknamed the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, “Let’s go, too—and die with Jesus.” Standing at the ’door’ of loss and impending grief, our best and most fruitful reaction is to reach out to Jesus, no matter how far or distant He may seem to be! A.) Jesus Loves & Cares (vv. 5&6) John 11:5 New Living Translation (NLT) 5 So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, 6 he stayed where he was for the next two days. Scripture makes a special point here to affirm that Jesus did indeed deeply love and care for Lazarus, Martha and Mary. Why? Because, as we will see, His perfect expression and act of love does not always take the form that we assume it should, will or must. When we don’t realize and accept this, then even where His love is abundantly present, we falsely feel and see only indifference, apathy, or even coldness. Apart from an understanding and acceptance in faith that Jesus truly loves us and that nothing can separate us from His love, it is easy to see something else and thus become captive to an unrelenting fog of grief, bitterness and hopelessness. B.) Importance of Eternal Perspective (v. 4) 4 But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.” In moments of loss and grief, our sin-corrupted nature conspires to enslave ours thoughts and feelings that are chained strictly to the painful present and unresolved past. THIS, my friends, is the single greatest cause of pain in our grief and inhibitor to recovery!!! Jesus’ immediate response to this situation, however, clearly instructs us to – through His eyes - open up to the fuller reality of an eternal perspective! ONLY THEN, will we be able to see, understand, and even experience an unexplainable peace and joy that Jesus will indeed demonstrate His deep love for us, power, and shining glory in whatever happens. And that, through faith, we can accept that how He did and didn’t not respond to our impending loss was a perfect expression of love and grace for the glory of God! C.) The Wait (vv. 6-7) 6 he stayed where he was for the next two days. 7 Finally, he said to his disciples, “Let’s go back to Judea.” Jesus’ active response to our cries for help are often neither immediate nor in the form that we desire, expect, or think are necessary. The need to wait and trust is an essential and common component of our faith in Christ and the strength we may gain through it. D.) Nothing Will Stop His Coming (vv. 8-15) 8 But his disciples objected. “Rabbi,” they said, “only a few days ago the people in Judea were trying to stone you. Are you going there again?” 9 Jesus replied, “There are twelve hours of daylight every day. During the day people can walk safely. They can see because they have the light of this world. 10 But at night there is danger of stumbling because they have no light.” 11 Then he said, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but now I will go and wake him up.” 12 The disciples said, “Lord, if he is sleeping, he will soon get better!” 13 They thought Jesus meant Lazarus was simply sleeping, but Jesus meant Lazarus had died. 14 So he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead. 15 And for your sakes, I’m glad I wasn’t there, for now you will really believe. Come, let’s go see him.” When it is time, however, absolutely nothing will stop Him from responding to our pleas in the time and manner that only He knows is best! Similarly, those who profess to follow Him, will continue to follow unrelentingly and in accordance with His determined time and manner. DEALING WITH GRIEF – VV. 17-39 17 When Jesus arrived at Bethany, he was told that Lazarus had already been in his grave for four days. 18 Bethany was only a few miles down the road from Jerusalem, 19 and many of the people had come to console Martha and Mary in their loss. 20 When Martha got word that Jesus was coming, she went to meet him. But Mary stayed in the house. 21 Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.” 23 Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise again.” 24 “Yes,” Martha said, “he will rise when everyone else rises, at the last day.” 25 Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. 26 Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?” 27 “Yes, Lord,” she told him. “I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.” 28 Then she returned to Mary. She called Mary aside from the mourners and told her, “The Teacher is here and wants to see you.” 29 So Mary immediately went to him. 30 Jesus had stayed outside the village, at the place where Martha met him. 31 When the people who were at the house consoling Mary saw her leave so hastily, they assumed she was going to Lazarus’s grave to weep. So they followed her there. 32 When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. 34 “Where have you put him?” he asked them. They told him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Then Jesus wept. 36 The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!” 37 But some said, “This man healed a blind man. Couldn’t he have kept Lazarus from dying?” 38 Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. 39 “Roll the stone aside,” Jesus told them. But Martha, the dead man’s sister, protested, “Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell will be terrible.” A.) A Process (v. 17) 17 When Jesus arrived at Bethany, he was told that Lazarus had already been in his grave for four days. Jesus responds to our loss and grief through a process that spans time. We too, in turn, must deal with grief through a process that spans time. B.) Community Comfort (v. 19) 19 and many of the people had come to console Martha and Mary in their loss. In what may seem an unimportant detail, Scripture makes an intentional point that we are to respond to one another’s individual losses and grief through the comfort of our own presence and community during these difficult times and processes. C.) Individual Grief Is Unique (v. 20) 20 When Martha got word that Jesus was coming, she went to meet him. But Mary stayed in the house. Notice that Martha & Mary, though both facing the same situation and circumstances of their brother’s death and the apparently late arrival of Jesus, respond to their loss and express their grief differently. Our expressions are as different and unique as we ourselves are. D.) Crossroads of Faith (vv. 21-34, 37) 21 Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.” 23 Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise again.” 24 “Yes,” Martha said, “he will rise when everyone else rises, at the last day.” 25 Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. 26 Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?” 27 “Yes, Lord,” she told him. “I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.” 28 Then she returned to Mary. She called Mary aside from the mourners and told her, “The Teacher is here and wants to see you.” 29 So Mary immediately went to him. 30 Jesus had stayed outside the village, at the place where Martha met him. 31 When the people who were at the house consoling Mary saw her leave so hastily, they assumed she was going to Lazarus’s grave to weep. So they followed her there. 32 When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. 34 “Where have you put him?” he asked them. They told him, “Lord, come and see.” …and verse 37 But some said, “This man healed a blind man. Couldn’t he have kept Lazarus from dying?” Loss and grief also always brings with it a crossroads of faith. In moments like these, when the raw nerves are exposed, reality is unavoidable, undeniable and ugly, and when personal expectations are not met, THEN our faith is tested and defined. In these moments, we have only two choices regarding our faith: we can either trust Jesus completely or we can doubt Him. E.) Anger (vv. 33, 38) John 11:33 New Living Translation (NLT) 33 When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled ….. and … John 11:38 New Living Translation (NLT) 38 Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. Twice in these events, Scripture emphasizes the anger that even Jesus Himself experiences when confronted with this loss and His own grief. First, the example of Jesus shows us that anger is a normal and healthy response to loss and grief. In verse 33, the word “angry” means ’quaking with rage.’ In verse 38, a different word was used which literally means, “To roar or snort with anger like a lion or a bull.” This is real, deep, heart-felt anger. Does this mean any and all anger is appropriate or even righteous? Absolutely not! The issue, is not IF we experience anger, but rather WHY and HOW! Examine closely and you should recognize that the second thing we learn from Jesus’ anger in this situation is – what or who the appropriate object of our anger is! Some would quickly surmise that Jesus is angry with Himself for not getting there sooner and letting His beloved friend die. However, this conclusion is completely inconsistent with all else that we are taught both in this passage and throughout Scripture about the character of Christ. Rather, context tells us that the object of Jesus’ intense anger is the reality of death itself generally and the destruction of sin specifically!!! Folks, the source of ALL of our loss, grief and suffering – according to the Word of God – is plain and simply the existence and ’feeding’ of sin in our lives and world! THAT is where ALL of our anger should be directed. And, as Jesus does, we are ultimately to express that anger by turning to the power of Christ to overcome sin and its dreadful consequences. F.) Jesus Cares Deeply (vv. 35-36) John 11:35-36 New Living Translation (NLT) 35 Then Jesus wept. 36 The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!” The word for ’wept’ reflects a physical trembling that includes a profusion of tears. Again, we starkly see the deep love of Jesus and are reminded that His delay in coming and His chosen means of addressing this great loss were in fact the result of His great and perfect love and in no way the absence of such. The Jews who were present recognized this. Do you? Do you also imitate Him in this? Timothy J. Keller, Pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC, remarks: “...when Jesus weeps, we see that he doesn’t believe that the ministry of truth (telling people how they should believe and turn to God) or the ministry of fixing things is enough, does he? He also is a proponent of the ministry of tears. The ministry of truth and power without tears isn’t Jesus. You have to have tears.” G.) The Stench of Loss (vv. 38-39) John 11:38-39 New Living Translation (NLT) 38 Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. 39 “Roll the stone aside,” Jesus told them. But Martha, the dead man’s sister, protested, “Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell will be terrible.” ALL loss, even that which will soon be redeemed and resurrected, will entail stench and filth for a time. Our role is to accept this in light of Christ’s eternal perspective. FREEDOM FROM GRIEF – vv. 40-44 John 11:40-44 New Living Translation (NLT) 40 Jesus responded, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?” 41 So they rolled the stone aside. Then Jesus looked up to Heaven and said, “Father, thank you for hearing Me. 42 You always hear Me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent Me.” 43 Then Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in graveclothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!” Put all of this together and we will see that our journey through the valley of shadows ultimately comes down to how we choose to answer one all-important question in those greatest moments of pain and despair. Do you truly believe in Jesus and the One who sent Him? Do you believe in His goodness, faithfulness and love? Do you believe that nothing can separate us from these things if we are in Christ by grace through faith? Will you trust Him even when the air around you is full of stench and darkness? Do you believe in His resurrection power? J. Vernon McGee once pointed out: “Martha believed in a resurrection. But listen, it makes less demand upon faith to believe that in a future day we shall receive glorified bodies than it does to rest now on the assurance that they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. It is easier to believe that the Lord is coming and the dead will be raised than it is to believe that tomorrow I can live for God. It is so easy to comfort people who are mourning and say, ’Well, you’ll see your loved ones someday.’ That doesn’t take much faith. It takes a lot of faith to say, ’I have just lost my loved one but I am comforted with the assurance that God is with me and He does all things well.’ You see, although Martha knew from the Old Testament that there would be a resurrection from the dead, she didn’t believe that Jesus could help her now.” Fellow sufferers please don’t miss the extraordinary importance of the fact that Jesus does not just declare that there will be a resurrection, but that He IS the resurrection and the life! Physical resurrection we must wait for, but spiritual and emotional resurrection is immediately present and available through Jesus Christ! A CHOICE REMAINS – vv. 45-46, 53 John 11:45-46 New Living Translation (NLT) The Plot to Kill Jesus 45 Many of the people who were with Mary believed in Jesus when they saw this happen. 46 But some went to the Pharisees and told them what Jesus had done. …and 53….John 11:53New Living Translation (NLT) 53 So from that time on, the Jewish leaders began to plot Jesus’ death. We too frequently face this very same choice. Will we believe Jesus in all things and live for Him, and will we doubt and as a result conclude that the thing remaining is to ’kill’ Him (literally or figuratively)? In Closing…. Ingrid Trobisch, reflecting on the death of her husband, Walter – a godly man whose writings have ministered to millions – wrote in an article for Partnership magazine (Sept-Oct. 1985): “It took me many years to learn that no man on this earth can satisfy the deepest longings of a woman’s heart. Only One can do that. He is also the only one who can help me live with that deep hole, that deep pain in my heart . . . The pain is still there. He hasn’t filled it up yet, but he has made a bridge over it. I can live with it now and I can stand on this bridge and reach out to others.”
Posted on: Mon, 05 Aug 2013 00:28:27 +0000
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